Sapphic Voices Fan Fiction

Switcheroony

Part Four

Rating: NC17

Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I wish they were, but I know they’re not and nobody gets anything for writing or posting, except Wiffy goodness.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Authoress' Notes: After a brief relationship with Willow, Tara dropped out of college and went back to her family, so Willow is Out to the Scoobies. Buffy & Willow sharing a College Dorm room. Giles & Anya (ex-demon & Xander’s girlfriend) run the Magic Box. Faith is post coma.

Credits: Beta, translation into American and editing by Lilly.

Chapter 20

Giles heard a slight ‘thump’ and turned to look at the door to the training room. He truly hoped that the conversation was going the way he hoped. His mind suddenly filled with images - intimate and somewhat embarrassing. He shook his head, removed his glasses and mentally threw a cold bucket of water over his thoughts. As he did so the door opened and Buffy emerged, looking somewhat crestfallen. He made a move towards her only to be met with her hand raised to ward him off as she continued towards the front of the shop without pausing to acknowledge anyone. Then without a backward glance she opened the door, stepped through and slammed it behind her.

Giles turned with a questioning gaze towards Xander who met his eyes and simply shrugged. They both turned towards the training room door to see a somewhat upset Willow leaning against the doorframe, her eyes fixed on the recently slammed door.

Willow was lost in a thousand thoughts. Buffy hadn’t reacted as she had expected. Her words had seemed to accept Willow’s explanation but her eyes didn’t say the same. Then she had laughed in that awkward and self-conscious way that Willow knew all too well. Willow had expected Buffy to be complimented and relieved but she hadn’t expected her to… well… to run away.

“Will? You okay?” Xander asked, as he and Anya moved towards her.

“Yeah,” she acknowledged, barely paying any attention to him as her mind frantically searched for a clue as to why Buffy had reacted the way she had. Realizing that he was watching her, she smiled and repeated herself, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“So you guys talked?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah,” Willow responded, unsure how to explain what had just happened to her oldest friend. “I… ahh… explained … you know, how Tara… how she had… misunderstood… been wrong.”

“Really? And that obviously went well,” Xander commented, looking at the shop door. He couldn’t help himself from asking somewhat incredulously, “You told her Tara was wrong?”

“Xander. Not now,” Willow snapped. Seeing the wounded and puzzled look on his face she added, “I really don’t want to talk about it right now. OK?” She then moved away from him and towards the front of the shop.

“OK,” Xander responded. For a moment he thought she was going to run after Buffy. But as she stepped up into the main retail area, she turned left, away from the door and vanished from his view.

“OK?” Anya repeated. “She lies to Buffy and you say ‘OK.’”

“Anya, honey, I don’t think bashing her over the head with the ‘obvious to everyone but you’ stick is going to help any. She knows she lied. That’s what’s eating her up. But it’s like… you know… giving up something addictive… a secret. She’s spent so long hiding it that… ” he stared toward the front of the shop. “She’s too scared to let it out.”

“Now? Now she’s scared? Why? This is a good thing. Doesn’t she know it’s a good thing? I mean she tells Buffy and the switch is fixed.” She looked at Xander in frustration. “In what dimension is getting your own body back as well as finally getting you true love not good?”

“It’s complicated. There’s also the big fear that Buffy doesn’t feel the same,” Xander explained.

“Oh right. They’re already orgasm buddies. Of course Buffy feels the same!” Anya stated.

“Anya, sex does not equal love. You know that right?” Xander asked his frustration evident.

“But… they… I mean how can they not know after… how can you have sex with someone who loves you and not know?” she asked plainly confused. “I mean… you would know if they didn’t love you… so you must be able to know when they do. How can you hide that?”

“Easily. I thought stuff like that was what kept you busy for decades,” he smirked.

Anya huffed at him and stormed away, leaving him to mull over how Willow had managed to keep her feelings hidden while she and Buffy… However at this point he lost complete control of his mind and entered a world of fantasy as visions unfolded before his now glazed eyes. Otherwise he would have seen Anya heading straight for Willow.

* * * *

Buffy just walked but in her mind she was blindly running. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes as she felt her heart being squeezed by the disappointment and unfairness of it all. She had missed the window of opportunity; a window she didn’t think could have ever existed. But there had been a window. There had been a moment in time when Willow had thought of her that way and she had missed it. She drew her mind back, trying to see if there had been any clue, any hint. She was so upset that she had missed an obvious opening.

Nothing came into her mind and she felt like such a fool. Was she really so blind? How had she missed that Willow had once felt that way about her? She laughed out loud. “Could my life get more complicated?” she asked the world in general, not really expecting an answer.

“Gee, probably,” came the reply in an all too familiar voice that made her tense in anticipation. She turned to see a smirking Faith standing before her.

“Oh, and you’d know just how to do that. This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” she railed at Faith, all her frustration and anger suddenly finding a target. She instinctively took a fighting stance.

“You’ve got to be joking,” Faith said as she noted the change in her posture. A smile crossed her face as she realized that Buffy was working on instinct; that she’d obviously forgotten that she was no longer the slayer at the moment.

“What? You find this funny? You think what I’m going through is amusing?” Buffy demanded as she moved closer. “Let me show you amusing.” And with that she turned to launch a kick at Faith’s midsection only to find that instead of meeting her target, her leg flailed in mid air. Faith had moved. ‘But how?’

“Okay B, you obviously forgot so I’ll let that slide,” Faith commented, still amused by the actions of the woman before her. “You’re not the Slayer any more, at least not for now” she reminded her. “You couldn’t kick the broad side of a barn right now, let alone me.”

Buffy glared at Faith who was just feet from where she previously stood. She thought she heard quiet pity in her voice and her blood raged even more. Regaining her balance she charged at her nemesis, fists at the ready.

Faith couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Bearing down on her was an enraged ex-Slayer. It was Willow’s red hair flaming behind her and sparkling green eyes but it was Buffy’s rage that they displayed. She froze momentarily but quickly recovered. Instinctively she sidestepped and placed her hands on Buffy’s careering shoulders, gently pushing her to the ground.

“Ooomph,” Buffy felt like the wind had been knocked out of her as she hit the sidewalk.

“Will you just chill? I’m not here for this,” Faith explained, stepping back to give her plenty of room.

“What the hell are you here for? Is there a leather fetish convention I don’t know about?” She countered as she picked herself up. An ache in her knee made her wince as she did so. ‘Great, another bruise on Willow’s body.’

“Hey, so you don’t get the message. Don’t shoot the messenger, honey. And since when is that my fault?” Faith retorted.

She raised her head to glare at Faith and growled “You’re never good news.”

“Guess what, B? Turns out that leopards and spots… not that impossible a thing to change. You should try it. Get off that high horse and just admit it - you’ve forgotten how to be just plain Buffy,” Faith pointed out. “Just look at you right now. Your first instinct is to fight, so you give in to it. That’s the easy way out. Believe me, I should know. That’s what it’s like to be us; eager for the battle; hungry for conflict and afraid of the feelings and needs that make us human.”

“You’re not human! You don’t know a damn thing about being human!” Buffy yelled as she lashed out with her right fist, only to have it blocked easily by Faith. “You don’t know a damn thing about me.” She threw her left, which was again blocked.

“I know more than you realize. You’ve always kept her close but you never really let her in. Then you watched as…”

“Stop it! Shut up! How dare you… how dare you come here and… Just shut up!” She threw another punch with her right, then left - each easily blocked. At a loss for words, she threw a flurry of punches at Faith as all of her anger and frustration poured from her. Unwanted tears formed in her eyes and seeing them, Faith grabbed her wrists.

“B, just let her in. Then it’ll all be over… all taken care of,” Faith promised softly.

“It’s… It’s too late. You ‘re too late,” Buffy sobbed as the tears fell.

Faith looked at her dumbstruck. Before her stood the face and figure of Willow but the tear stained eyes belonged to Buffy and they showed such pain, such grief and such anger. ‘This isn’t working at all. What the hell is wrong with these two?’

“B, I think you… ”

“What? Just what do you think? Oh, that I’m so eager to hear the thoughts and advice of a killer. Please, please offer me your wisdom,” Buffy spat out. Seeing a momentary hurt on Faith’s face filled her with such satisfaction that she kept on going. “You have nothing I want. Nothing!” She stated as she tried to pull herself free from Faith’s hold.

“I don’t need this,” Faith said releasing Buffy’s wrists and stepping away from her. “You and your sweetheart both know what the deal is. You must both be from the shallow end of the gene pool not to figure it out. Well, that’s not really a huge shock,” she laughed.

“Oh, because you’re all psycho brainiac bitch with some sort of evil plan, you get to throw rocks. Well, I don’t see you heading for Harvard or some high end corporate job or any job at all. Or did you forget your Lear Jet in the shop? And that Skanky Ho costume must be some new uber trendy rave gear, right?” Buffy taunted, now in full bitch mode. “Can’t wait until it hits the shops. I know a few lamebrains who would buy into that look - mostly they’re of the ‘party all night, can’t take the sun’ variety.”

Faith just smiled at her, part of her saddened to see that even without her Slayer powers, Buffy was still on the attack against her. She feared that she would never be able to break through Buffy’s anger and hatred against her. “Chill, B. Fact remains you wanna fight and I don’t. Cool though it would be to run rings around you… you’re not really in the game right now. Guess I’ll have to go see Red if I need to get a real work out,” she leered suggestively. “Especially if you’re not gonna give her one,” she winked provocatively. “We’ll talk again… when you’re ready to listen.” With that she turned her back on Buffy and casually trotted away.

“You stay away from her!” Buffy yelled as she tried to follow. But the pain in her now inflamed knee soon brought her to a halt. At least that’s what she told herself. The fact remained that she couldn’t have kept up with Faith’s slayer stamina and speed even if she hadn’t been hurt.

Buffy stood panting in the middle of the road, one hand reaching down to her swelling knee. Staring at the back of Faith as she disappeared into the distance, frustration seemed to be her new best friend. She thought about what a pathetic sight she must be, standing there staring after the woman who had totally screwed up her life… having not been able to do anything to hurt her… having not been able to caused her any pain… having exacted no revenge greater than a bunch of words; not even a few sticks and stones to break some of her bones.

* * * *

Willow felt like a horrible human being. She had yet again hidden the truth to protect their friendship. And yet again she had somehow hurt Buffy. ‘I’m not meant to hurt the one I love, sappy song lyric or not. But it seems to be… well… it’s just… well, like a rule. And right now I seem to be extra good at it,’ she chastised herself, even though she couldn’t quite figure out what she’d done.

Her mind went back Buffy’s response to her explanation of Tara’s statement. Her best friend had stared at her, blinking several times and said, “Right… sure…ok… that explains why she…umm… right. All cleared up – we’re good. You did a good job hiding… I mean I missed it… ok, so… Everything’s fine, Will.” Then there was that awkward, self-conscious laugh as Willow had moved the pommel horse that barred the door. “Gotta go… need some air…” Buffy had declared as she bolted through the shop and out of the door.

Willow shook her head, trying to remember if she had ever seen Buffy at such as loss for words, unable to complete a sentence. Buffy was usually all about the words, even in the most dangerous situations. Oh, yes there was the time she had told her that she was gay.

Then it suddenly occurred to her, ‘Maybe she’s freaked because she told me… Oh goddess how did I miss that? She likes women! Well, she thinks she might,’ Willow’s mind spun at the idea of seeing Buffy with another woman. Her blood boiled, and suddenly panic and anger seemed to invade her very being at the thought. She was so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she didn’t hear footsteps or notice Anya’s approach.

“So you lied to her?” Anya demanded looking down at Willow, who was sitting with her knees hugged to her chest, resting her head on the end of the counter area.

“Wha…”

“You lied to her?” Anya asked, annoyance obvious in her tone.

“I didn’t… exactly… I… It was the truth,” she stated defensively.

“Really? Why does everyone treat me like I’m not really here or like I’m an idiot? You all talk as if I don’t know what’s going on. Well, I do,” Anya pointed out. “You seem to forget that I was a vengeance demon.”

“I don’t see how we could ever forget that,” Willow commented sarcastically.

“Over the decades I’ve avenged thousands of broken hearts… sort of an expert. OK? As it turned out some were more pointless than others. But you… you leave me speechless,” Anya stated.

“All evidence to the contrary,” Willow sniped.

“You really don’t seem to care what Buffy needs - do you?” Anya continued her attack ignoring Willow’s gibe.

“Hey!” Willow objected, uncurling her legs.

“You’re hurting her. Talk about cruel. At least the vamps and demons don’t pretend to be her best friend. I can’t help thinking that you mean to cause her pain on purpose,” Anya stated rather angrily.

This time Willow stood, squaring off with Anya. “Hey! Where do you get off talking to me about causing pain, especially to Buffy? Flayed anyone alive lately? Isn’t that what you used to do?”

“It just doesn’t make any sense. You had sex for goodness sake,” Anya stated, still ignoring the pointed comments and moving in closer until her nose was almost touching Willow’s.

“It’s complicated,” Willow spat. “There’s more involved than just having sex.” She so did not want to be discussing this with Anya.

“You all say that ... like sex is a dirty word; something to be ashamed of. If it was just sex, you wouldn’t all crave it so much. What you hunger for is the closeness of another, of a very special person,” Anya explained, clearly annoyed by Willow’s inadequate response and obvious inability to understand. “And why do you? Because it’s the one place… that closeness… where you can’t avoid telling the truth; where you can’t be anyone but who you are whether you mean to be or not. You’re naked… really naked. If people would just stop trying to hide and bother to really look… It’s only then that you can see everything.”

Willow stood and for the first time she looked at Anya; really looked. She had never thought the day would come when she would want to crawl inside the head of an ex-demon, especially this one. But for a brief moment she seemed to be making sens….

“You’re both so busy hiding who you are and what you need. I mean you and your whole ‘I’m a big fat Lesbo Dyke and if you’re not then I have no time for you’. You don’t let anyone see what else you are other than that. Are you trying to scare the straight women away?” she asked in all seriousness.

“What the... Where the….?” Willow gaped, “You have to be joking.”

“Do I look like I’m joking? You use your ‘gay pride’ flag to intimidate a campus full of straight women who might just be interested in jumping the fence for a night to see if they like it… if they could do so discreetly, quietly. But if she’s not out there holding that rainbow banner with you, there’s no chance with you, is there?” Anya asked accusingly.

Willow couldn’t believe that Xander’s girlfriend was talking to her like this.

“But maybe that’s how you’re planning to keep them away,” Anya continued, laughing at Willow as she did. “You’re just hiding behind your gay badge of honor.”

“I am so not hiding. Hello! Out and proud. I just… I don’t have time for women who don’t know what they actually want,” she responded, feeling her blood rise. ‘How could she accuse her of hiding? It had been so hard to come out at first, especially to her friends, the people she cared about – Xander, Giles, Buffy’s mom, Dawn and… above all… Buffy, but now she would never hide again. She would never compromise her lifestyle just to make others comfortable.’

“So you’d rather be ‘Out and Proud’ than find someone you might have to work things out with… help along. You’re all ‘Look at me. I’m out and special, and if you’re not out and special with me – then good bye.’ And you’d never be interested in someone who was… oh, I don’t know… a little confused about what she wanted,” Anya replied with a self-satisfied smile. ‘If Tara had played by those rules, you’d still be sulking about Oz.’

The Slayer/Witch was getting angrier at the ex-demon’s words. She wanted to find Buffy, not listen to this. So she started to move toward the door but was stopped by the ex-demon.

“But I haven’t even seen you with any gay girls since Tara left either”, Anya continued. “Now why is that? Can’t you find anyone interesting or is that you want to be alone? What are you afraid of or do you think that no one good enough for you, not even Buffy?”

Willow could feel the hot blood rising to her neckline as she glared at Anya. ‘How could she think that I would let anything including my life choice push Buffy away’? “I am not afraid. I do not hide. And I am not any kind of gay snob,” Willow said quietly through gritted teeth.

“So what about the other night? Guess you were too busy hiding the other night, or just lost in getting your ‘big O’ jollies, to take a good look at Buffy… really naked Buffy, body and soul, to read how she moved, to hear the noises she made, to know what she really wanted and needed. Or do you even care ab…”

‘Who the hell did Anya think she was? What did she know about her? About Buffy?’ “Not everyone is like you, Anya. I’ve already told you… it’s not about just sex,” Willow snarled.

“OK. But if that’s true, then what’s the reason that you won’t be honest with … Ohhh! Of course!” Anya suddenly felt as if a light bulb had gone off in her head, “I never thought you were that devious. You really love being the Slayer, don’t you?”

“Anya,” Willow threatened.

“What was it? You get tired of being the sidekick, the number two? Is that it? Or is it the power you crave? And now that Buffy’s not special anymore, you’re not even interested? You must have secretly been so pleased when Faith pulled her little switcheroony on you two,” the former demon continued.

“Anya,” Willow growled as her eyes narrowed.

“Because you don’t seem to be able to give it up, do you? Not even for your best friend, the person who’s save your life so many times, for the woman you love… Not even for Buffy,” Anya concluded.

Willow lost her grip on clarity as rage overtook her, anger flaring like a volcano, a red haze forming before her eyes and she blew. The next thing she saw was Anya - flying across the shop towards the closed door, arms flaying and a scream starting to build. But before it could escape completely, she landed awkwardly with a resounding thud and a faint crack as her back slammed against the door causing the shop bell to ring in apparent surprise.

“Anya!” both men exclaimed before launching themselves towards her landing site. As they fell to their knees beside Anya, Giles turned and cast Willow such an accusing and deeply disappointed look that it cut to the very core of her anger. As the reality of what she had done washed away the hot blood of her rage, she seemed to shrink in all-consuming shame.

“Oh my go… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to… Anya… she… I… ” she mumbled, not sure what to say. She moved towards Anya who, seeing her coming, involuntarily flinched in anticipation of another attack. Willow froze, shocked by Anya’s reaction to her, and fell helplessly to her knees. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… you shouldn’t have said… ”

“Willow. I strongly recommend that for the next few minutes you remain silent,” Giles growled through clenched teeth, unable to look at her for fear of what he might say.

Hearing the thinly veiled anger in his voice, Willow held her tongue. She watched silently as they questioned and inspected Anya to determine the extent of her injuries. ‘I did that. I let the Slayer in me… take over. I couldn’t… a red fog… how could she say… I’d never… she pushed me. That’s no excuse… ’ She had used her borrowed powers in anger. She’d lost control. She’d forgotten and as a result she’d injured Anya. ‘How does Buffy control the rage, the anger and the strength? I never imagined how hard it might be for her… to be her. She is such a good person. All I’m good for is hurting people.’

* * * *

Willow sat on the floor, a look of despair falling across her borrowed features. Giles stood over Anya as Xander carefully lifted her up onto her feet. The young man, then, gently turned his girlfriend so that he could lift up her top and look at her back. As he did so, Giles saw the deep imprint of the doorknob and inflamed skin, which convinced him, would surely mean both internal and external bruising.

Unable to hold his anger in any longer, he turned to glare at Willow. “You very stupid little girl! Do you have any idea what you have done? What you could very well have done? To use Slayer strength on a mortal is inexcusable,” Giles stormed. “This kind of behavior is what I would have expected from Faith – not you.”

“I… I’m sorry,” Willow whispered as her heart sank. She hated knowing that she had disappointed Giles. “I don’t know where it came from… I’m so sorry. Anya, I’m really sorry,” she repeated as the tears of guilt began to form within her apologetic eyes.

“Indeed you should be. As you very well know there are rules…” Giles added, about to remind the Slayer of an often-repeated lecture. However the overwhelming remorse and welling tears he saw in Buffy’s face stopped him. ‘Oh goodness. This isn’t Buffy. It’s Willow!’ his mind raced to regain its balance. He sighed in frustration. He knew that Willow was probably in the grip of the subliminal rage that many previous watchers had observed in their slayers and she had never been prepared, never trained to be a slayer. But he couldn’t let excuses fill this moment. To do so would be far too dangerous right now. “Yes well, I’m sure we all realize that you are dealing with the very new power and urges of a Slayer. But I do not believe that being unfamiliar with the Slayer within can totally excuse such a lapse of control.”

Willow nodded and cast her eyes towards Anya, hopeful to at least make eye contact so that she could offer a visual apology, but the ex-demon would not look at her. She felt as if she had become a bully - one of those girls she had feared in kindergarten because they knew how to fight and would take advantage of those who could not.

“I understand that you and Buffy may both be experiencing an extremely emotional and stressful time but that is exactly when control is most important. It is possible that Anya may have been somewhat misguided in her comments but one truth rings through,” Giles paused, hesitant to open a conversation that he had so far been successful in avoiding. Although both he and Xander had done nothing to stop the conversation between Anya and Willow, they could do very little to avoid hearing all of it. Dropping his eye contact, he took a shallow breath and said in a voice so quiet that Willow almost didn’t hear him. “You lied to Buffy.”

“I… I told her the tru…” Willow couldn’t finish as she caught the sideways look from Xander.

“It is very possible that you two are destined to be together,” Giles commented ignoring her partial statement of denial. “Our visions have led me to what I believe to be a quite justifiable conclusion. When viewed with the translation of the original curse as well as recent events, I think it is only prudent to believe that unless you and Buffy are able to resolve the… various emotional aspects of your relationship… not only will there be dire consequences for mankind… there may well be a dire consequence for Buffy. I feel fairly safe in asserting that Buffy will be put into the kind of danger… that is to say… what I must believe it to be - a grave danger… considering the extreme chance that both Angel and Cordelia chose to undertake in asking Faith to help prevent this possible future occurrence.”

“But… you… you think that Faith is here to help?” Willow asked, her face a study in disbelief.

“Unlikely though that may seem, and I grant you that I would be the first to agree that Faith would not have been my first or even sixteenth choice, yes I do believe that all things considered probability dictates that in nearly all of the possible scenarios that I have considered, she is actually here to help,” Giles clarified as only he could.

Willow was dumbfounded. Her mouth moved as she desperately attempted to express herself. She very much wanted to question what Giles had said but she couldn’t find the words.

Faced with a silent Willow, who seemed to be stuck in goldfish mode as she repeatedly opened and closed her mouth with no sound escaping, Giles decided to reiterate what he considered to be the pertinent and pivotal issue at hand. “At the risk of repeating myself to deaf ears… I… I feel that unless your relationship is resolved, Buffy will be placed in grave danger at a future point in time. Do you understand? There is a distinct possibility… ”

“Giles, she heard you the first time,” Xander interrupted, somewhat irritated at the older man.

“How can you be certain?” Giles asked, throwing his eyes towards Willow, who still appeared unable to express herself.

“Trust me. That’s the face of a Willow unable to resolve the dreadfully possible with her own fear of a wonderfully possible. It was the same when she got her college acceptance letters,” Xander explained, through a resigned grin. “Are you sure she needed to… you know… hear about that? Maybe… you know… a bit over the top with the drama… Talk about packing in the Thelma and Louise option. Could you be any more… you know… do this or badness is coming? I thought you were… you know… obscure, subtle English guy.”

“Xander whilst I am grateful for your occasionally helpful input, I think the time for discretion has passed. Willow’s loss of control just highlights the dangers present in allowing the Slayer power to reside with one who is untrained and not chosen to bear its unique weight,” Giles argued. “I accede that to you it may seem somewhat harsh to voice our, as yet unproved theories, but I believe that were I to allow things to continue…” Giles was halted in mid sentence by an ear splitting screech from Anya.

“Eeeeaoooow,” Anya bellowed, as Xander inadvertently placed his arm against her midriff to support her. “Are you mad at me too?”

* * * *

“I assure you, Sir, that there is no possibility of a positive resolution to the matter at hand. Either eventuality allows for an outcome beneficial to our interests,” the lawyer confirmed, his concentration evident as he listened intently to the response, the telephone handset grasped firmly to his ear.

His free hand played with a chain, weaving its length between his fingers, as he nodded silently.

“Indeed should they succeed in voiding the curse by the removal of the initial curse, we will have prevented the inclusion of a major player in future events. However should they fail, the inner curse will quickly bring forward events dramatically.”

He smiled, his eyes like steel and ice, as he lifted his free hand pulling the chain and it’s amulet from the desk to hang before him. “I’m grateful for your guidance in this matter and I trust that I have proved your attention warranted, Sir. I trust that when my efforts prove beneficial to the firm and senior partners, that I will be considered valuable within this division,” he stated.

Whatever the party on the phone said in response caused him to drop the amulet and cough apprehensively. “Sir, I assure you that is not my intention.”
He unwound the chain and quickly pulled out his desk drawer to place the amulet within it. “I quite agree that to allow matters to continue unmonitored would be ill advised. I assure you, Sir, that I had considered the possibility that you may wish to intercede,” he acquiesced, as small beads of sweat began to form on his upper lip.

“Yes, Sir. Immediately, Sir. Thank you for your guidance on this… ” He suddenly stopped pulling the phone from his ear, to glare at it in annoyance, before placing it back onto its cradle.

* * * *

Willow watched as Giles gently moved Anya towards the training room. It seemed that everyone who talked to her today ended up getting hurt in some way or another. ‘I’m not handling this well. Geez, that’s the understatement of the year. I couldn’t handle a door, let alone … Oh Tara honey, why did you…’
“Willow. I think we need to talk,” Xander interrupted her internal conversation, turning his gaze from Giles and Anya. “And I’d much appreciate it if when we do, I could… well… walk away in one piece afterwards.”

“Xander!” Willow yelped, hurt by the suggestion that she would harm him.

“Just thought I’d make the suggestion… you know in case… well… you know… you go all big bad and bruisey on me,” Xander said.

“Xander?” Willow pleaded.

“Will, I know you’re in a way confused place right now. But I need you to understand something. We get it. Okay? So maybe I get it more than Anya does but, if you’re honest, she wasn’t that far off,” Xander assured her. “You’re afraid. I understand that you’re scared that this is just pushing Buffy to do or say something she won’t really mean; Something that she’ll regret later, leaving you hurt and heartbroken. I don’t think you’re giving her enough credit.”

Willow couldn’t look at him as he voiced her inner most fears. “You have no idea what's going on.”

Xander smiled before responding, “Take this, for instance. You don't wanna deal. So you hide? You’re so scared that you lash out at someone who tells you what you don’t want to hear.”

Willow stared at him and, with all the sincerity she could muster, said “I’m sorry. Really I am. I didn’t mean to hurt her like that. I forgot. Maybe you should just leave me alone, Xander...”

“No. So you and Buffy aren't imploding?” Xander felt a wry satisfaction as Willow turned to face him in surprise. “It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming.”

“What? How do you know? How can you understand…? Has Buffy talked to you?” Willow asked, fearful that Xander knew something she didn’t.

Xander sighed, “Buffy hasn’t told me anything, Will. She didn’t have to. It was right in front of my Xander-face. She would do anything for you. Always has. Always will.”

“There are limits to what a friend should have to do,” Willow stated, a resigned sadness in her voice, as her anger at the situation they were in began to fill her once again.

“So… You just gonna let your chance to be with her get away from you?” Xander challenged.

“It's not my decision to make,” Willow exclaimed, frustrated that Xander still didn’t seem to get it.

“Geez, Will. Of course it is,” He stated so evenly and with such certainty that Willow paused momentarily before replying.

“Well, it's not fair,” she stated, all her confusion and fear surfacing. “I didn’t ask for this. I was happy to just… It’s not fair.”

“Were you really happy? Was she? And who cares if it's fair? In the not too distant future, if the G-man is right - which he has a really nasty habit of being - this world as we know it is gonna disappear, explode, do the big nova, closing your opportunity window. Maybe forever… unless you do something to stop it,” Xander reminded her.

“What am I supposed to do? Beg her to love me?” Willow challenged him.

“If that’s what it takes, why wouldn't you?” he asked in disbelief. “To keep Buffy safe and alive? Yeah! And then there’s the whole saving-the-world bonus. What wouldn’t you do for her? She’d do anything for you and you know it.”

“I not even sure who she is any more… or how… what she thinks of me. I mean I thought she was ... well I learned stuff… things I never knew and it… well... I think it’s too late. I mean we… there was… I mean we had to… but there was…” Willow babbled to a complete stop trying to form the thoughts to explain all that had happened in the past few days and how she truly feared she was losing her best friend despite all her efforts to keep things in a safe mode. “Things were so safe,” she mumbled.

Xander was stunned that Willow could describe anything having to do with Buffy as safe. “Safe? What is she? A safety belt? A baby?”

“You know what I mean,” Willow responded dismissing his annoyance at her choice of words.

“Yeah, I think you meant exactly what you said. I think you took it for granted that Buffy was always gonna be there for you. Available whenever you wanted her company or support but with no demands, no expectations, nothing dangerous, no commitment --- just a friend. The safe option,” Xander accused.


Willow turned on him with anger blazing in her eyes. “Look who's talking. Look who has Anya following him around like a lovesick puppy.”

“Oh boy, is this so not about me,” he commented.

“Is she anything more than a safe bet? 'Cause that would kinda be a surprise,” Willow’s nostrils flared as she desperately tried to control her new Slayer temper.

Xander retaliated with an ultimatum. “If you don't wanna hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now.”

Willow released the air she had been holding in, “Good. ‘Cause I don't.” She turned as if to leave, her body language dismissing him.

“I lied,” Xander informed her, refusing to let Willow walk away from this. “What I think is -- you got burned with Oz and then Tara. And then all this happens.”

“I know the story that is my life, Xander,” Willow stated, refusing to turn and face him as she felt the red haze of anger rise within her again. ‘Buffy, where are you? I need your help to control this.’

“But you seem to have missed the point. You shut down, Willow. You’re afraid to take any risks especially with Buffy,” he informed her. Then lowering his voice, as he closed the distance between them and moved behind her, to almost whisper in her ear “Because she's the one and you know she is. That someone who comes along just once in your lifetime and you know she is. Because she can creep into your soul and hang a string of lights around your heart and you know that only she can.”

Willow heard the words and her heart ached, filling the void that had burned red with rage. Her legs seemed to shake as she tried to breathe. Xander was too close, too near the truth.

“She's always there for you,” he continued quietly. “She's risked everything for you… so many times. And you're about to let your chance with her fly by because you don't like deadlines… taking chances? My god Will, we live on the Hellmouth. Life here is a chance… a risk. But it’s one worth taking. Your about to let her slip away, letting her think so much less of you than she ever has. You really think you’ll be happy to just wish that she knew the truth. Believing you can never talk about that night.”

Willow’s eyes began to water as Xander's words finally broke through her defenses as she recalled the longing, the pain and the emptiness.

“If she's not the one… if what she needs from you just isn't there, then let her go. Let the world end. Break your heart and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can tell her that you love her ... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred love her... if you're ready for that ... and the possibility, the very great possibility that she loves you too… then think about what you could be about to lose.”

Willow turned to look at him over her shoulder, the tears in her eyes telling him all he needed to know about the effect his words had had.

“Save her Willow. Save yourself. You know Giles is right… and we both know, even though we’re never telling Anya, that she was kinda right too,” Xander stated, smiling as he placed his hands on Willow’s shoulders to turn her into him and pull her in close for a fierce hug. “Will, secrets… never a good thing… especially from the one you love… especially from Buffy.”

Willow allowed herself to be drawn into his arms, suddenly feeling like the little girl she once was, knee scraped and so relieved to have found a friend who didn’t seem to find her tears something to run away from.

“Yeah. It’s unfair. But I know you, Will. You’re far stronger than you believe you are,” Xander assured her, resting his chin atop Willow’s head as he held his best friend closely. He found it weird to reconcile the fact that this same small shaking frame in his arms; currently contained the power that had so recently sent Anya flying. But as he closed his eyes he recognized the familiar sound of Willow’s sobs and tears. “When she realizes what she can gain… how incredibly lucky she is to have you… when she realizes what’s at risk for all of us, including herself… ”

“NO!!” Willow protested into his chest, unwilling to raise her head. She couldn’t risk that Buffy would only declare her love to save the world, or worse to save her or Buffy herself. She felt like such a selfish individual as she tried to voice her fears, between sobs and gulps for air, “I have to know… it has to be… to be because… ” Willow whispered, all her insecurity and anxiety flooding forward, only secure in part because she didn’t have to look Xander in the eye. “If… if she says she… if she feels this way too… She has to say it because… ” Doubt filled her mind, remembering Xander’s words. She shook it away. “It has to be because she does feel… not because she has to say she does… I couldn’t hear it… I couldn’t take it… I couldn’t bear… if she knew… oh Xander, it would… How would I ever know? I have to be sure… I have to know. I know it’s selfish… I’m probably an evil woman for wanting to know… for not seeming to care about everyone else… because I do care… really I do… but… but to hear her say… but to know she might be… lying??? Please, don’t tell her,” she begged as she began to tremble, clinging to her Xander as the reality of how badly she had screwed this all up sank in.

“Hey. Easy there, Will. Right now I’m fairly sure Giles would agree we don’t need to tell Buffy what we suspect.”

Willow let the tears fall as she tried to hide herself, her relief and her fear in Xander’s arms. She had a thousand questions, a thousand objections but mostly she had a heartbreaking sadness as she finally realized that she had lied, not to protect Buffy but, selfishly, to protect herself.

Chapter 21

Giles walked into the training room feeling the weight of a thousand misgivings. He knew, that as a Watcher, there were obligations and standards he should try to instill into his new slayer. But before him was a very scared young woman who had just lost her first inner battle with the slayer’s powers.

He was unsure exactly how to move forward on that subject as well as the major issue at hand. Right now he would rather be standing in front of his father being lectured or being eaten alive by his maternal great aunt Amelia’s constant criticisms than have to consider a conversation with Willow about her feelings for Buffy. Willow had little or no control… ‘Ahh, that’s it! How obviously appropriate. She needs training in control, mental focus and emotional balance.’ He grinned to himself in satisfaction. Now he had a plan, something he knew he could handle, something he knew he could fix.

He had sent Anya to Sunnydale Memorial with Xander, suspecting at least a bruised if not a broken rib. He had attempted to look at her injuries but she had exhausted even his patience, with her constant references to Willow and Buffy, as well as sex and mankind’s inability to understand why they craved sex. She had decided that his obvious discomfort at having to look beneath her clothing was nothing but a manifestation of all the pent-up emotions and taboos that mankind had placed between itself and its very real need for closeness to another.

He was sure that for most young males a woman of Anya’s obvious enthusiasm and addiction to sexual closeness would seem like a dream come true. Yet he found himself wondering at the price paid for such a woman and in a small corner of his mind, that had no concept of how wrong it was to think such things, he wished it had been Anya’s tongue that Willow had bruised or even broken.

Giles wanted to believe that Anya’s displeasure and annoyance with mankind was really nothing more than the manifestation of her discomfort at being once again reminded that she was now mortal as well as the inevitable truth that she therefore could have died at Willow’s hand. He wanted to believe that since she had long ago lost the experience, understanding and even memory of human frailties - the fear of the possibilities that her own recently rediscovered mortality invited into her mind knew no scale. But the multiple perspectives and sheer conviction of her argument had led him to doubt this.

He reflected quietly on his own manner; well, in public at least. Most women had found his public reserve a challenge or old world charming. This allowed him to display his passionate side only privately. But no one had ever accused him of using it as a defense mechanism.

Now he considered whether his manner might not, indeed, be designed to dismiss women unwilling to take on a challenge; those seeking clarity. Was not his manner, in reality, a less than straightforward way to behave? Giles found himself questioning the rules of behavior, common decency and manner that he had long ago decided to adopt to protect his passionate soul from the harshness of the world after he had discarded Ripper. As Ripper, he had never considered hiding his thoughts, needs, desires…

He looked up from his ponderings to find Willow waiting expectantly before him. Although the body and face was that of Buffy, the stance and eyes told him all he needed to know. Willow was scared, full of self-doubt and remorse. It didn’t take a genius to figure out why. Everyone had been talking to her as if she had changed. As if she could suddenly change the rules by which she had chosen to live for so long simply because of her newly acquired slayer powers. Even with her recently self-accepted lifestyle choice Willow, the essential Willow, had not really changed. She had merely assumed an attitude and manner that better sheltered her from the harshness of the world. At the very core she was and always would be the sweet, brave and eager young woman he had first met.

“Giles, I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to… hurt her, to lose control like that,” Willow mumbled barely lifting her eyes to meet his.

“Willow, I know that you are truly sorry and for that reason I feel nothing more needs to be said on the subject. Although I somehow doubt Anya will be as accommodating when she returns,” Giles commented, a slight smile raising the corners of his mouth. As he looked at Willow, he realized that neither his nor her manner nor appearance really mattered in the ‘great scheme of things’. Humanity was about seeing the heart and soul, despite the individual’s bearing or appearance. However Anya was partially correct that some members of mankind had stopped bothering to care enough about each other to really look at a person, and that bothered him.

Willow nodded in acceptance of the fact that Anya would return to make her pay big time. She resigned herself to accept her punishment. “Seems only fair,” she mumbled.

“Indeed. But setting that matter aside for the time being, I feel we must continue with our normal routine. It is almost four thirty and the sun will set in just over two hours. I intend to accompany you on patrol tonight but in the meantime I feel that some training may be of benefit… specifically in the area of emotional control,” Giles suggested.

Willow smiled sheepishly, “Thank you.”

* * * *

Willow found her left arm was beginning to rebel against the weight it was carrying - her weight. She had been in this handstand position for almost half an hour and the pile of crystals she was supposed to be focusing on seemed to actually be laughing at her.

Giles had been very precise in his instruction over the past two-hour session. She had never been so mentally and physically challenged but she was now exhausted. Years of late night study hadn’t prepared her for the strain of focusing your mind on just one thing. She was used to multitasking, looking for patterns, groupings, and associations - not the single line purpose of one act.

She had found her mind wandering, making the single focus almost impossible. Images of Buffy’s face filled her mind and the strong desire to go to her beckoned. ‘She needs me. I should be with her.’ The comments Tara had made… ‘had she really meant them? Did she actually believe what she said?’ Memories of her kindergarten days and a certain bully snuck into her mind as well. ‘Betcha she would’ve wished she’d have never met me if I’d have had the slayer strength th…’ Willow suddenly felt ashamed at her thoughts.

“Concentrate. Focus. Focus,” Giles instructed, aware from the slight movements he observed that Willow had become distracted.

Willow had believed that her mental control was good… maybe not perfect but, hey, for sure above average. She had needed it for spell casting. She had needed to focus but, as she was now discovering, that had been mainly an emotional focus, a willing, a wanting, a desire. This was something else - mental and physical - the removal of emotional instincts allowing trained instincts to rule supreme.

Giles had explained that a slayer fought against her natural human and emotional instinct of fight or flight. That to control a battle one had to depend on instinctual training using patterns of concentration and action that only practice could make second nature, allowing her to control the great power and rage that resided within; allowing her to replace her emotional instincts with practiced instincts, as and when needed.

She had discovered a newfound respect for the focus required of a slayer. ‘How on earth did Buffy switch from the single layer focus and instinct required of a slayer to the multiple requirements of a normal everyday life.’ Okay there was the subliminal awareness of all that surrounds you but that still had only the one purpose - to slay. ‘How did she know when joy or sadness could be allowed to surface; when fear or doubt would not be her enemy.’

“Remain focused. Concentrate on the form, its shadow and shape. View the crystals and find yourself within their form,” Giles instructed.

Willow mentally shook herself, regaining her focus and casting aside the thoughts that had once again momentarily distracted her. As she drew her mind back to the crystals, their shape and their shadows, she found her vision blurring. The light pinks and blues of the crystals forming a clash of color and shade until finally she thought she saw… a column… no, it was more a shape… it was a figure.

* * * *

Faith sat on the wall, casting her eyes over the graveyard before her. It was still bathed in the warm sunlight of late afternoon. The sun would be setting soon and the tranquil landscape before her would change. Its warm tones replaced by the harsh shadows and gray tones of night.

She had tried to talk to Buffy but as usual their history had come between them. Even after all these years she still felt jealous of the senior slayer. She still felt the need to compete, to beat her. ‘Why?’ she asked herself. What was it that she now needed?

Hadn’t she accepted that she had made choices; that she was the only one to blame for the way things had gone? Apparently not. Faith now knew that she wasn’t as sorted out as she thought she was. She had come here for resolution, for closure but all that seemed to have happened was the reopening of old wounds. Demands for retribution had been made by the very person she was trying to help.

She tightened her mouth in frustration. “C’mon buddy, it’s almost wakey wakey time and I need to royally kick your ass,” she stated, staring at the freshly dug grave before her.

She had to release the anger welling up within her. How she had managed to calmly walk away from Buffy still amazed her. She had felt the blood rising, the hunger for a fight growing but she had held it at bay. She had recognized that the confusion and pain behind Buffy’s words had nothing to do with her and so she had walked away. From that moment she had felt both pride and frustration building within her, conflicting to such a degree that she almost wanted to laugh at the insanity of the situation.

And so here she sat, a study in contradictions - the regained humanity and the slayer. Each part of her fighting for control. But today, as had been the case for many days now, the ‘keeper’ was present watching both parts of her, accepting the needs of each and helping her to find the balance. She wished she had known how to achieve the balance long ago.

But now she had found a place in the world. She was no longer disconnected, no longer the outsider. In LA she had a home, friends and… yeah, she really did have a home, a purpose. She smiled as memories of the LA gang filled her mind. She couldn’t have explained, not that anyone would have thought to ask, how she had felt on that day when Cordelia had asked her to move in. But she had realized then, on that day, at that moment that she had finally found a home.

* * * *

Giles walked towards the graveyard, his charge by his side. Their journey had been in silence since Willow had made it quite clear that she did not want to indulge in light and meaningless conversation. Willow’s contented silence had often been his companion during many a late night of research. Unlike Buffy and Xander, she had never felt the need to fill silences with inane chatter. He had always liked the girl very much – her loyalty, intelligence, research ability, bravery – and he had often been particularly grateful for this part of her personality. However today something about her silence unnerved him.

Somehow right now he wished she would talk, wished she would 'natter'. The deafening silence only made it harder for his mind to concentrate on how he was going to begin what he felt he had to say. Strangely he had become used to deep and meaningful thoughts while the lives of these young people practically exploded around him. But this silence was oppressive. He needed her to talk.

“So how are your studies going?” Giles asked, throwing out the first question he could think of.

“Huh?” Willow mumbled. She hadn’t really been expecting a question as her mind was totally occupied with preparation for the Slayage and she was all big with the focus.

“Your studies. How are they going?” Giles repeated.

“Umm. Great. I’m behind on a few preparative notes and I have some sub indexing cards outstanding but I’m good,” Willow responded on autopilot. Realizing what she had just said, she quickly added “But you don’t need to tell anyone about the sub indexing cards.”

“Indeed,” said Giles, a warm smile pulling at the corners of his mouth at the familiar book-loving “geek” that was and would always be Willow no matter how talented a witch she became. “I’m sure you’ll catch up and I can assure you that, as I have no idea what exactly they are, I’m fairly certain that I will never need to refer to them.”

“Thanks,” Willow said appreciatively, offering a smile to Giles. “I guess I never realized how much of Buffy’s time was taken up with her Slayer duties.”

“It is true to say that normally a Slayer is allowed no time for a life outside of her calling. That’s one of the things that, at first, I had difficulty reconciling myself to. Watcher training didn’t really prepare me for a Slayer who had more than Slaying as a priority in her life. But despite my early misgivings, I believe those very choices, although distracting at times, have made Buffy the grounded and balanced woman that she is,” he stated unable to hide the pride in his voice. He considered the eagerness to please of the young woman beside him. Had she been under his charge in his early years, he would have tried to mold her to fit the Council‘s accepted program; quite possibly destroying her in the process.

Willow heard the fatherly pride and realized that Giles was missing Buffy. She, somehow, felt both guilty and inadequate. “I know I’m not… you know, I’m not Buffy… I mean I could never fill her shoes. I know that… I’m sorry…” Willow stumbled.

“No. Willow, that’s not what I meant by… You are a wonderful young woman in your own right. You have taken on so much in such a short time. Any watcher would be proud to have you as his charge. What I was trying to say… rather badly it seems… was that it was through Buffy that I learned not to ignore the other needs of … that to forget that your charge is also a human being is something that no watcher can ever afford to do,” Giles responded, suddenly feeling as if he was walking on eggshells. He did want Buffy back. She was a more competent Slayer. Her years of experience had made her a formidable force for good. But having his true wish to return things to normal, when voiced out loud, seemed unnecessarily harsh and selfish in the face of all the hard work Willow had put in.

“Huh?” Willow said, somewhat lost. She tried to see where Giles was heading with his…. ‘Ohh!… Oh Noooo.’

“Normally I would simply sit quietly and let the matters that… ”, a sudden heat filled Giles, drying his throat and intensifying his sudden desire for a glass of water as he coughed, “… are central to events resolve themselves. But it would seem that should I allow that… they may never be… resolved,” he stated, glancing at Willow who was staring directly ahead of her as they approached the graveyard. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “Willow, I have watched you both grow up into the extraordinary women you now are, and I… I think you know that… I have a deep affection for both of you.”

Willow couldn’t help a slight smile rising at Giles’ stilted declaration of fatherly love. She’d heard the words from her parents; the actual “we love you” words, normally thrown over a shoulder as they left on one trip or another something. Having Giles around had often made Willow relieved that her mom wasn’t interested in her extra-curricular activities. She hadn’t exactly reacted well that one time she had taken an interest during that whole MOO incident which almost got her, Buffy and Amy burned as witches. How Giles felt about her, reserved and understated though it may be, somehow felt more honest than anything she had ever felt from her own parents. “We’re fond of you too,” she said warmly.

“Yes, well… ahh… hmm… thank you,” Giles responded awkwardly. “I know that I don’t often interfere in your private lives but… Willow, why do you find it so difficult to admit how you feel about Buffy?”

“I… I… ” Willow suddenly wished the ground would open up and… but she never got to finish her wish as a figure threw itself into their path.

“Well hello there sweetheart, isn’t he a bit old for you?” the vampire leered.

Willow blushed and anger flamed within her. “He’s not… ”

“Willow, emotional control,” Giles gently reminded her.

“I’m workin’ on it,” she replied, suddenly feeling very foolish. She’d risen to the bait so quickly. Willow reached within herself to find the core she had created, her calm center.

“So granddad, where’d you pick her up?” the vampire asked, flashing his teeth. “She looks like a tasty little nugget; fit and pert too. I like it when they run; all bouncy if you know what I mean. This is gonna be fun.”

Willow resisted the urge to glare as she moved forward, taking up a fighting stance.

The vampire was slightly taken aback when he realized she wasn’t going to run. “Honey, I prefer to chase my prey.”

“Life’s tough. Get used to it,” Willow retorted as she moved forward.

Giles stood silent, his attention focused on Willow and her opponent. He felt that familiar butterfly take up residence within the pit of his stomach. Years of watching had never really removed the worry that filled him for his charge on these occasions.

The vampire smiled his toothy smile and tilted his head to one side, “That’s okay. I love self service too,” he stated as he lunged towards Willow.

Seeing his move telegraphed by his weight distribution, Willow prepared to block his advance by raising her left leg at the last moment as she grabbed his shoulders firmly, bending her right leg to allow the force of his lunge to let her drop onto her back and throw him over her.

Giles smiled at the ease of the movements. Willow had been a fast learner. Her focus was in place. Then something occurred to him - right now she was in control of her emotions. “What were you afraid she would say?” he asked.

Willow half heard Giles but she didn’t respond. Regaining her feet she turned to greet the vampire as he too stood up and roared at her. “Gee haven’t you told mommy about your new boyfriend?” he asked, moving closer; this time more cautiously.

“I was sure that you would take the opportunity to tell her after what Tara said,” Giles commented.

Willow couldn’t believe that Giles was trying to continue their conversation. She allowed a small amount of frustration to surface as she forced her open palm into the chest of the approaching vampire, throwing him backwards with such force that he landed at least eighteen feet away. “Tara… She… I couldn’t... ”

“The guilt just pours of you guys,” the vampire noted as he again approached his prey.

“Willow, you have nothing to be afraid of,” Giles stated.

“How can you know that?” Willow asked.

* * * *

Buffy sat on the floor of their dorm room refusing to acknowledge the existence of their bed and all the memories that it would bring to mind. Staring at Willow’s small shelf of Wiccan books, she wished there was some way she could just forget how she was feeling, some way she could just go back in time and make it all right.

The thought that Willow had once felt, if only subconsciously, if only for a moment, attracted to her and that she had missed it was messing with her head big time. Added to that everyone seemed to have an opinion about the two of them. Even Faith. Buffy had never really felt the need to run and hide. Well, okay there was that one time after killing Angel but that was different.

That had been about losing something she had had… to save the world. This was about wanting something she couldn’t have, something that was supposedly a good thing for the world. ‘My life really sucks.’

So here she sat alone in their dorm room. While her Willow was out there in the night patrolling, fighting vampires and God knows what else. Willow doing the job she should be doing but couldn’t. She felt so useless, so helpless. And her Willow was out there in danger. Giles would be with her. He would help her, protect her. But she should be the one out there, the damned Chosen One who should be out there fighting the vampires and other evil, who should be protecting her beautiful redhead.

If she could get her hands on Faith for doing this she would… she would… Damn it she couldn’t do anything! Actually what she seemed to be able to do was put the love of her life in danger… yet again.

Buffy shook her head, trying to clear it. ‘OK. I have to deal with this. If Willow is going to be Slayer, I have to find a way to help her.’ She remembered how she felt when she used magic against the vamps that were threatening Willow the other day. ‘That’s how I’ll help her, protect her.’

She crawled over to the bookshelf causing her injured knee to complain. As she adjusted her position she caught her knee again and this time the pain reminded her that she needed to treat it. This was Willow’s body and she was really racking up the injuries and bruises. She seemed to be causing her Willow nothing but pain and discomfort.

She had seen the look of embarrassment on Willow’s face as she had explained Tara’s mistake. She had heard the stumbling and babbling that she had long understood to represent ‘an uncomfortable and wanting to be elsewhere’ Willow. She had been so full of hope. She had almost wished to regain her aspect of the demon; the horns would have been worth it… to know exactly what Willow was thinking.

Anger again raged within her at the cause of all this – Faith. She had gloated; amused at the mess she had created. Gone had been the ‘this world’s only out to screw me’ ex-slayer she had known and in her place had been some ‘know it all’ bitch who had simply walked away from her.

She made herself stand up and walk towards the cabinet that she had seen Willow remove a first aid kit from more times than she cared to remember. Opening each drawer in turn she searched it until she found an unusually large first aid kit. She thought about all the times that Willow had taken care of her; had tenderly treated all of her injuries. Sometimes, Buffy felt that she didn’t mind the painful injuries she often suffered while fighting evil because she knew that her best friend would be there to help her feel better physically and emotionally. The slayer healing would eventually help the physical injuries but only Willow could help her feel human again, like herself again.

Moving towards the bed, she fought to stop the mental images of their night together, that one wonderful, beautiful night. Sadness called at the realization that she would never again know that happiness, that passion, that closeness with her Willow again.

* * * *

Willow moved towards the mouthy vampire taking out her stake as she flexed her shoulders in preparation for her attack.

“I wouldn’t be a very good watcher if I hadn’t noticed how… Buffy… the way she looks at yo… I mean there have been occasions when… it has occurred to me that she might feel more. I know… I mean I think that she has been feeling…” Giles coughed, trying to swallow the sheer awkwardness of this conversation. He really wasn’t very good at this. He hated stumbling over his words, especially over something as important as this.

“You’re wrong. I mean… sure she kinda loves me. But that’s in the whole best friend way, you know. Not the big burning passion kinda way…” Willow stated. “And that’s okay. I told Xander… I said I’d…” Willow stopped talking long enough to block the vampires several punches, allowing her instincts to take over as she tried to formulate a valid response.

The sight before him filled Giles with pride as Willow blocked the vampire’s attack and centered her balance. He had always had so much respect for her but he found that level rising as he watched her almost play with her opponent; so like Buffy would have done. He could see it coming but the vampire seemed oblivious as Willow raised the level of her attack through her defense and the vampire left his chest more and more vulnerable until… Ash exploded around her as she plunged stake directly into its heart.

Willow stood perfectly still for a moment as the reality of what she had done sank in. She had been so distracted and yet so focused that her instincts had taken over. It had been the easiest slay so far. She hadn’t even broken a sweat. She briefly allowed herself to bask in the satisfaction of a job well done, and ever so briefly imagined about how proud of her Buffy would have been, before turning back to Giles. “I’ve had this conversation already. Xander gave me the big old lecture on the ‘she who hesitates is lost’ theory. I get it. I get that if I don’t take the leap without looking the world ends, bad stuff follows.”

“I’m sure you do. I just wanted to assure you that it’s not so much a leap as a blind corner. Certain things I can assure you can be predicted,” Giles commented as his desire to both stress the gravity of the situation and encourage her fought for primary position. “I know that no matter what happens Buffy will never allow your friendship to change.”

“You can’t know that. And it will change. Maybe not in the big ‘hey we’re never going to speak again’ type of way. But in that when we go for mochas or dance together, we’ll need to define boundaries. Things will change, Giles. Everything does. Look at me. I was a shy, wallflowery bookworm. Well, I still am… that is to say I liked the books and I still do. I did the computer stuff so I was just one of her two sidekicks. The geeky one. But now I have the witch thing. Yeah, things change,” Willow declared.

* * * *

Buffy lay back on the bed, clenching her teeth as the antiseptic brought tears to her eyes. ‘Maybe I’ve just put a bit too much on.’ she thought as the stinging refused to go away. She felt sure that it was actually cutting into her very bone. Throwing her hands over her head, she grabbed fists full of pillow and let out a silent scream. ‘Oh hell, Willow where are you?’

She couldn’t remember the last time she had tended to her own wounds let alone someone else’s. Willow had always been there, like some Doogie Howser clone, seeing to all their needs, especially hers. Having opened the oversized first aid kit, she had found a multitude of first aid supplies, most of which were a mystery to her. But the sheer quantity only served to remind her that Willow planned ahead, thought of others, provided care and support to all of them, especially her. She tried to remember a time when Willow had ever been selfish, when she had ever put her own needs before others. She couldn’t because there had never been such a time. Pride welled within her; that she knew such a woman, such a giving and caring creature and that this woman was her best friend.

But could they still be friends after last night? Her mind was drawn back to the feel of Willow touching her, caressing her, tasting her, sending her beyond her earth bound existence into new glories and pleasures. Willow had opened her up, like no one else had ever done or would probably ever be able to again. How could they just go on after last night?

The feeling of Willow’s body on her, the taste of her lips… ‘ohhh god!’

Again she remembered the shock of the next morning’s light and the realization that they had been in each other’s bodies and still were. And then she had seen it. Then she had seen the sheer panic that filled Willow as that same realization hit her. And then to have this all followed by the vision quest. Buffy couldn’t rationalize her need, the hope that had risen within her. She had stood there on the edge of the precipice, only to be pulled back by Willow’s denial, her gentle explanation and the deafening silence as she heard her own heart breaking.

How could their friendship ever survive this?

* * * *

Giles stared at the young woman before him, almost constantly having to remind himself that this was Willow and not Buffy. The resolute look on the face before him momentarily distracted him from who he knew her to be. “Absolutely. Of course, I agree. All things change and maybe now is just the time for a new change, for possibly the biggest and most important change in both of your young lives. You have to take the chance.”

“Well it’s not fair. Why… why do I have to be the one to… why can’t she…? Hello, I’m not the one with the hero gene. Buffy’s used to facing danger, facing failure… taking chances. I’m more the academic back up. You know… just part of the supporting cast,” Willow’s frustration at being placed in this position was more than apparent.

“My dear girl, you have never been just supporting cast,” Giles responded as he smiled at her. “You have been central to all our lives - to mine, to Xander’s but most importantly you’ve always been essential to Buffy.” Giles lowered his eyes, as he felt the blush beginning to rise within his cheeks, “I realize that considering all that you two went through… had to try… the other night… (cough) may have only helped to make things more… awkward between you… ”

“You can’t imagine,” Willow declared, as she put her stake back into her coat pocket and turned to continue their patrol.

“I really would prefer not to. But, and trust me when I say that agreeing in any part with Anya pains me more than you can know, but no two people who feel as you two do about each other… who have been through so much together… can go through something so… (gulp) personal and not end up revealing something of their… of themselves,” Giles stammered. He had never felt so awkward and unsure of himself.

“Yeah, that’s kinda what Anya said,” Willow remarked. She remembered briefly thinking that for once the ex-demon had actually made sense. Last night she had known Buffy in a way that… oh goddess, heat again began to fill her cheeks as she recalled last night.

“However Anya seems to have used a somewhat more confrontational style than I would have chosen. But… did you notice… maybe only subconsciously… that there was something in the way that… that Buffy was… ” Words dried up as Giles realized that he couldn’t, he didn’t know how to explain, let alone ask what he needed to ask.

Willow turned sharply to glare at Giles, “Okay, we are most definitely not having this conversation! Way too freaky,” she growled through gritted teeth.

“So it would seem. But just who are you going to have this talk with?” Giles asked.

“No one. I don’t need to talk about… it’s too personal. You have no right to… you can’t really expect me to talk about… ” she clenched her fists as the anger began to rise. She breathed deeply, trying to center herself.

“I don’t mean to… Believe me when I say that having to have this conversation… is more disturbing for me than you could possibly realize. But I have an obligation to… to help. Willow, you need to take a step back and look at what’s happened. You need to view events with dispassionate eyes, with somewhat less emotional eyes,” Giles stated, being careful to keep a safe distance between himself and the now somewhat emotionally overwrought young woman before him. “You need to exercise the emotional control we practiced earlier. You need to stop letting fear and emotion control your actions.”

Losing her temper and control of her center she snapped, “Really? Life techniques from the Watcher with the full and well-rounded personal life? How can a girl refuse?” Willow asked sarcastically. Immediately regretting her outburst, she said “Sorry.”

“Willow, you have a keen analytical mind. What amazes me is that you only ever choose to use it academically,” he said. “Maybe it’s time you started to use it in your personal life.”

She looked at him as if he had just grown horns. “You want me to look at Buffy like a chem experiment? How can you… why would that…”

“Willow, you’re so caught up in how you feel about… about Buffy and how she will react to you when she finds out, that you can’t see her. You don’t seem able to see outside yourself,” Giles pointed out.

“Oh great. Another ‘you’re so big and selfish’ speech. Just what I need right now,” Willow responded, her anger beginning to rise yet again. She felt the need to go, to run, because she was becoming sure that if she stayed much longer Giles was going to be the next victim of her rage.

“Willow, I really am not trying to anger you. I’m just trying to get you to step back and take a really good look at how Buffy has behaved lately,” Giles pointed out, very aware of how Willow’s breathing seemed to have quickened.

“Just so you know, anger is kinda winning right now. Where’s supportive Watcher guy, big with the cleaning of the glasses whenever we talk about our private lives?” she asked.

“If you must know, cowering in a corner wondering what the devil I think I’m doing,” Giles responded.

“Well I’d like him to come back. Please,” Willow requested.

Giles sighed and took a deep breath, “Much as I’d like to return to my usual non-commentary role, in respect to your personal lives, this is far too important an issue for me to do so. Willow you have known Buffy… in a way that should have… that should have provided you with an insight into how she feels. And yet despite that, despite last night you… you do not appear to have come to the same conclusions as others who are close to the two of you. I would be a fool not to tell you that this worries me and the only explanation I am able to come to is that you are letting your own feelings and fears obscure your vision.”

Willow stared at him in wonder and shock. He wasn’t going to let the subject go. She turned her back to continue their patrol, which would hopefully give her time to think.

“I understand how you may find it difficult to look beyond your emotions… your feelings for… your memories of the night… with… Buffy,” Giles stumbled as unwanted and disturbing images filled his mind.

“You think?” Willow grumbled.

“You also seem to be denying even the existence of your own feelings. I strongly believe that Tara was correct,” Giles acknowledged, in as firm a tone as he could. “Yet you choose to deny not just to yourself but to Buffy as well, that she may have been correct. I find it quite astonishing…”

“Giles! This really is none of your business,” Willow snapped.

“The end of the world as we know it. A viable threat to the Slayer. None of this is my business? Young woman, you really couldn’t be more wrong,” Giles stated, staring at Willow’s back over the rim of his spectacles.

Willow couldn’t hold it in any longer. She turned and, glaring at Giles, exploded “Oh right that’s your thing isn’t it? Saving the world. Well really, it’s more like you watching from the sidelines while Buffy puts her life on the line and does the dirty work over and over again. And now… now you expect me to just take over, put myself on the line. So tell me - is the view good from the cheap seats?” Willow yelled. “You’re wrong… Buffy and I don’t have a future. How could we? I’m gay and she’s straight. All you guys keep seeing is a way to save your world. You really don’t care about us. The curse requires that we… So you guys want to see us that way. But trust me… I know. No matter how much you may want something to be a certain way… Wanting doesn’t make it so.”

She glared at a momentarily silenced Giles before deciding that it was time for her exit. “You know your way home right?” she asked sarcastically, before turning and running with all her newfound Slayer strength towards the college campus.

Giles stood dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open. Willow had run away from him. She had yelled at him, told him off and then run away.

* * * *

Willow stood outside of their door for what seemed like an eternity. She had never really looked at their door, not that it was any different from any other door on that floor. But behind this door – much awkwardness and weirdness resided. Buffy was in there. Willow could hear her moving around inside. She decided that slayer hearing was really cool, except for that very disturbing conversation between Charmers and his mother that she had overheard on her way here.

She reached for the handle before pausing again to collect herself. What was she going to say? What was Buffy going to say? Why had she run away from Giles? A thousand answers for all her questions rattled through her brain. Vainly she tried to push them all to the back of her mind when suddenly a distressed moan from behind the door caught her attention. ‘Buffy’. She turned the handle and pushed the door open, prepared to see Buffy under attack.

However, the sight that greeted her was one straight out of a cheap sitcom. Buffy was standing on top of their waist high chest of drawers with one leg raised and bent so that her knee was outside their window as she poured a bottle of water over it. Hearing the door open, Buffy quickly turned and her other leg twisted and gave way as she lost her balance. An arc of water flew from the bottle as Buffy toppled backwards towards the floor. She landed on the open first aid kit with a resounding thump and “Oooomph,” which only served to emphasize how much the impact of her landing must have hurt.

“Buffy!” Willow shot across the room to Buffy’s side, all of her protective instincts coming through, only to find Buffy’s face beginning to contort. “Buffy!”

The face before her seemed to move through many unfamiliar expressions before she heard the unmistakable sounds of laughter. Eyes filled with self-deprecating humor met hers. “Willow to the rescue,” Buffy giggled as Willow reached down to her.

“At your service my lady,” Willow responded in a mock gentlemanly manner, tilting her head in reverence, which just seemed to increase Buffy’s giggling. Willow liked the sound of her best friend’s laughter. It had been far too long since she had heard laughter, let alone felt like joining in.

While fighting the urge to laugh, Willow carefully tried to find some part of Buffy’s body that she could take hold of to help lift her back to her feet but it seemed as if the very thought of touching Buffy was sending her mind into sensory over drive. ‘I’m a bad, bad person. My best friend is lying hurt and all I can think about is how wonderful touching her would be. I’m a bad, bad, evil person.’ All thoughts of laughter left her.

Finally gripping Buffy’s forearms she pulled the ex-slayer up, shifting her grasp to Buffy’s waist as she rose to her feet. Buffy felt her knee begin to give way and instinctively she held onto Willow’s shoulders to steady herself. Finding her balance, she looked forward to find herself just mere inches from Willow’s face. The closeness stopped her laughter and in its place a heavy silence and stillness overcame them.

* * * *

Giles couldn’t quite believe that Willow had run away from him. He had known that talking to her would be hard but the sheer denial and fear prevalent in her responses had prevented him from really getting out all he had wanted to say and what he had managed to say had been twisted or ignored by his young charge. When had conversation become the clashing battle of two languages, his and theirs? He often felt that he was in some strange world where he knew that he was speaking English and that the language he could hear others speaking sounded like English. But time and experience had proved that although the words appeared the same, these young people had apparently been tutored from a dictionary with a multitude of new meanings to which he was not privy.

He pondered his failures, wondering if his own father had found it just as hard to talk to him when he was younger and riddled with youthful hormones. He smiled slightly remembering how he thought his father’s generation was stuffy, square and generally lacking in understanding when it came to what he wanted from life.

As he moved through the graveyard back towards the magic box and his car, he heard an all too familiar noise – battle. Had Willow come across another vampire? He moved slowly towards the noise, fearful that without him there to help center her, Willow would allow her emotions to affect her recently acquired fighting abilities.

As he watched from behind a mausoleum, he was forced to blink to check that his eyes weren’t lying to him. There, not ten feet from him, was Faith being attacked by two vampires, both fresh from the ground if the soil falling from their clothing and the fashions evident in their attire were any indication. He shook his head as he realized that Buffy’s obsession with clothing and fashion had invaded his observation skills.

Faith appeared to be toying with the vampires, drawing them in, dodging, weaving and laughing at their attempts to capture her. She was more than a match for two newbies and yet she continually allowed them to regroup and attack, stalling their inevitable end. ‘Some things never change,’ he thought. ‘Faith still enjoys the fight just as much as the kill.’ A part of him felt a familiar disappointment. He had held out such hope for Faith when she had first joined them. But then the story behind her arrival had caused him worry, followed by her brash sexual innuendo, her overly-arrogant attitude and concluded by her… ‘walk to the dark side’ in the company of the Mayor. How had so much disappointment come from one with so much potential?

But then he began to evaluate her performance with a Watcher’s eyes. Good balance, anticipation, awareness of her surroundings, accuracy he concluded before taking in her overall approach - over confidence, reliance on strength, poor emotional focus. Then he saw it, or rather he didn’t it. Where was the arrogance? the anger? the… flashiness? This was something new… Faith wasn’t fighting with the same lust for life and death he was used to seeing from her. She was playing with the vampires but she wasn’t taking the risks he had seen her take a thousand times before. He had been wrong. She wasn’t just playing - she was venting. He’d seen Buffy do it more times than he could count. These vampires were paying for something. They were her release for something else that had occurred.

* * * *

Buffy stared at the collar bone of her best friend afraid to raise her eyes, as she experienced distinct sparkage. They hadn’t been this close since last night. In fact she hadn’t touched Willow since they were at Giles’ when she had jerked away from her best friend. She felt a strange emptiness in the pit of her stomach and a light headedness that made coherent thought formation impossible.

She didn’t want to move, to break contact. Buffy allowed herself to soak in the feeling of Willows hands on her hips. The urge to move her hands from Willow’s shoulders to her neck and draw those enticing lips towards her filled her mind. But she feared that any movement would end this moment, shattering it and returning her to reality. So she kept perfectly still.

* * * *

Faith tried to allow all her frustration and anger to release but these newbies really weren’t much of a challenge. She kept the fight going for as long as she could before annoyance took over and almost simultaneously she ended it, dusting them with two well placed stakes. As she watched the night wind disperse their dust she thought she heard a sigh.

Refocusing her attention, she glanced around her, hoping that a more challenging opponent would present itself. But instead the form and face of the Watcher slowly rose from behind a low bush. “Faith.”

“Giles. Still with the watching, huh?” she asked, slightly unnerved that she hadn’t realized that he had been observing her. “Lose your new slayer already?” she commented looking around to see if Red would emerge. She didn’t really fancy the idea of taking her on. As far as she was concerned, ‘Hell had no fury like a ticked-off witch’.

Giles faltered for a moment, realizing that once Willow had run off he actually had in effect lost her. “Why are you here?”

“Ahhh, the sixty four thousand dollar question,” grinned Faith, leaning back on a gravestone. “ And why do you think I’m here?”

“Well at first glance, I’d have to say that you were here to slay. But having watched your... umm… battle, I’d have to correct that assumption by adding, to release your demons,” Giles commented as he slowly moved from behind the bush, knowing that it offered him little or no protection should the ex-slayer choose to attack him. Although the open ground would at least give him room in which to maneuver.

“Yeah, definitely up with releasing the demon… from this world anyway. So what can I do you for? I’m all outta teabags but I think the corner store is still open,” Faith responded, not moving an inch either towards or away from him. She didn’t want to scare him off. This could prove to be a lucky break.

“Thank you. You must be staying near by to have taken note of the opening hours of our local convenience stores. I hope you’ve found somewhere with a good view?” Giles queried.

“You could say that,” Faith responded with a smile, “The Council really lost a Watcher 007 stud when they let you go, didn’t they?” she added sincerely.

Gils smiled. He had never really been a James Bond fan but he found the comparison somewhat of an ego boost. “Kind of you to say.” Having reached open ground, some six feet from Faith, Giles stopped and stood still. He wanted a chance to talk to Faith and definitely did not want to take the chance of causing another young woman, let alone another slayer, to run away from him. Faith could have the answers he needed. “Faith I would appreciate being able to ask you some, well, rather important questions.”

“Fire away,” Faith responded, although she was a little unsure exactly how much she should give away if anything. But she was tired of hiding, of knowing that just about everyone she was trying to help thought of her as the enemy. The idea of a few civilized words from one of that group was somehow more pleasing a thought than she could have imagined it would be. ‘Just when did I begin to care what others think of me?’ she wondered.

* * * *

Willow stood transfixed. She could hear both of their hearts. The beats quickening and leveling off as their breathing caught up. She didn’t want to let go. She had Buffy close, so very close. She could almost feel her breath against the bare skin of her … ‘oh my god she’s looking at my… no not looking. Why would Buffy be looking at…? Where else can she look? It’s just the way her head’s hanging.’

The thought of Buffy staring down her cleavage made her swallow as she felt a familiar heat rise within her. ‘It’s because I’m not moving. I mean if I moved, if I just let her go… but she feels so good. I like holding… there’s nothing wrong with just looking. I’m looking… ’

Willow then realized that she was, in fact, staring… staring at Buffy’s right ear. ‘Why on earth am I looking at her ear? Great, now I have an ear fetish! My life’s not complicated enough with the whole recently gay; crush on my straight or maybe not so straight best friend; only six weeks to my mid term exams; body-switched slayer fill-in duties and dealing with a curse that might end the world. I get a new kinky fixation – ears?’ She was unable to drag her eyes from the ear. ‘Ears. I mean they're for hearing. Okay, there can be nibbling, occasional licking… Yuck, I’m… yuck, how can I be… This is not the time or the place to be thinking of licking, of tasting, of nibbling...’ And so the inner babbling continued.

Chapter 22

Willow, having recovered a little and gotten her inner babbling somewhat under control, shifted slightly and moved her gaze to the two small scars still visible on Buffy’s neck. They were testaments to the sacrifice she had once made to save Angel’s life. Buffy had loved him and lost him but somehow she had survived. Sure their relationship had changed and the loss had left visible scars on her dear friend but her life hadn’t ended.

Willow winced at the knowledge that now their relationship, their friendship would never be the same again and she sincerely hoped that she too could survive what they were going through.

They would never return to who they were. They could never regain what they once had. Willow now knew that the things they had shared and learned about each other last night would make that impossible despite all of their planning and promises. A sorrow filled her for what they had both lost and what she would soon have to risk.

Maybe if she’d never fallen in love with Buffy. Maybe if she’d hidden her feelings better. If Faith, or had it been Cordelia, hadn’t been able to pick up on her feelings… maybe she would still be in her own body and none of this … It had all happened because of her feelings. She was the magnet ... drawing the lightning towards them … towards Buffy. Willow wondered if Buffy felt something. She wondered if she could pick up on what everyone else was talking about … could sense … If she thought Buffy had a clue… But how could she tell her? What if she just ran away from her again?

But right now, right here - Buffy wasn’t moving to leave her light embrace. This puzzled her. ‘Could Anya be right?’ Had she missed something? Was there a part of that night that … was there … had there been something? Had she been so absorbed in the moment, in her ‘dream come true’? But how could she not have been? It was a dream, her dream. Wasn’t it? No, it had been real, weird, wonderful, awkward and mind blowing. But it had definitely been real.

Could she have missed something? Was it possible that in the heat and the passion of last night … ‘No, if Buffy had said something … I mean she would have said something, wouldn’t she? Right … but what? Just what would she have said? “That was really great. Wanna be the love of my life?” Yeah, right.’

‘But she did seem to enjoy herself’ Willow recalled. Renewed surprise filled her as she remembered just how open, how receptive and how accepting a sexual partner Buffy had been. She had seemed to delight in the pleasure that Willow had offered her. But what if Willow had missed something? What if she had only seen what Buffy wanted her to see? What if she had just been making it easier for Willow? ‘What if she was faking? Oh goddess, NO! I don’t want to know if she was. How could I ever look her in … I’d have to leave town or turn back time … or it’ll slip out one day and I’ll just die.’

* * * *

Giles was now at a loss. Faith had agreed to answer his questions. He couldn’t believe it. He knew he had some questions. Indeed, he had a book full of them but for a brief moment not one of them came to mind. He had been so thrown at Willow running from him and then seeing Faith that his mind had locked its gears.

“With questions like these a girl could talk herself to death,” Faith finally commented impatiently.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just trying to gather my thoughts and put them in some sort of order,” Giles explained apologetically, frustrated that he couldn’t seem to organize his own mind.

“Yeah, right. Well time is money, Giles old man. So let’s cut to it,” Faith responded sarcastically. “What do you wanna know?”

“Ideally absolutely everything,” Giles replied ignoring her reference to his age, hoping against hope that Faith would just disclose everything to him.

Faith laughed. “And here I always thought older guys were meant to … you know … have finesse or patience or something. So if you want to dance, the least you could do is ask nicely,” Faith responded, unwilling to just be so easily milked of information like some stool pigeon. She wanted to be treated with some respect, some courtesy. ‘Where the hell did that come from?’ She smiled at the ridiculous thought that any of these guys would ever treat her like a person.

Giles smiled, acknowledging that his request had been somewhat impolite. “Indeed. I apologize. I regret that recent events have robbed me of my manners.”

“Yeah, figured you guys would get spooked but I thought by now you’d all be down with the research,” Faith commented.

“There has been research. And I’m sure I wouldn’t be giving too much away to say that our results still border on nothing more than hypothesis,” Giles stated, unsure that he wanted to reveal anything about the vision quest. “Mainly dealing with nothing more than the summations and inferences we have drawn from the wording of the curse. It would be nice to clarify … actually confirm if some of what we believe to be true is so,” he continued.

“So you come to the source. Smart.”

“Possibly. However I am still somewhat unsure that I can take anything you tell me, or choose to tell me as the tr …,” he faltered, unsure how to say that he feared that she might lie to him.

“So you want a polygraph test? Sorry but I don’t seem to have one on me. Guess you just have to work the fact that I haven’t been trying to kill anyone into the mix,” Faith stated spreading her arms apologetically. “So how are Thelma and Louise doing?” she asked.

Giles frowned momentarily before grasping hold of the pop reference. “As well as can be expected,” he responded evasively. “You seemed to be venting when I came across you. Is there something on your mind?” he asked, hoping to move the subject away from Buffy and Willow.

“Five by five, Giles old man. Just letting off some steam – old style,” Faith replied. “So how’s Red enjoying College life? And her new Slayer major?”

“She has proved an apt pupil,” Giles affirmed before he could really help himself. “Faith, I must ask -- what are your intentions?”

“Aw hell, I’m not asking for the hand of your first born. But that’s it, isn’t it? The sixty four thousand dollar question. Guess you could say my intentions are honorable. I was even hoping to score some points and clear some IOU’s,” Faith grinned. “But surprise, surprise - my credit isn’t what it used to be.”

* * * *

Buffy had never known time to stand still in quite this way. It was neither scary nor comfortable as the silence was weighing down on her. Conversation was coming -- she could feel it, like an approaching thunderstorm.

Talking would mean more lying to Willow and she was getting fed up with that -- big time. But in this moment, in this brief yet seemingly endless moment of contact with her beloved it was all so simple, so uncomplicated. Why did words just seem to make things harder? Last night there had been no words. Well okay there had been words but no conversation.

Buffy felt a slight shift in Willow and sensing a threat to the moment she lifted her eyes to meet those of her secret love. Catching a look of sorrow on the face before her, Buffy was momentarily puzzled. Willow quickly altered her expression to thoughtfulness but that too slipped and an expression of sheer panic took over.

Buffy’s eyes grew wide as she tried to make sense of just what she had seen and what it could mean. But another shift from Willow and their embrace was broken. Buffy felt Willow remove her hands from her waist, leaving a warm echo at their loss. She self-consciously removed her hands from Willow’s shoulders, dropping her gaze to the floor. “Thanks,” she almost whispered, remembering that Willow had been helping her up.

“No problem,” came the very flat response, as Willow turned to bend down and pick up the now somewhat dented first aid kit. Rising again she moved it onto the bed. Buffy watched her cautiously, not sure what to say or what to do next.

* * * *

Giles stood very still, his mind a rambling plethora of questions. Faith had not given him very much to go on. She had made it clear that she was here at the behest of Cordelia and Angel; that Cordelia had received a message from the “Powers That Be” and that the curse was intended as a good thing; a helpful thing that was necessary. But it wasn’t that which had caused him to lapse into deep thought in the middle of a graveyard. It was the very obvious fact that Faith had absolutely no idea about the curse within the curse. She hadn’t even flinched when he had made references to the upcoming eclipse. He truly believed that she wasn’t involved in this part of it at all. Lost in his own thoughts for a moment, he missed Faith’s sudden alertness and warily searching eyes.

Faith yelling “GILES!” was the last thing he heard before a sharp pain between his shoulder blades made him fall to his knees. Shaking his head, he tried to clear the fuzziness and spreading numbness. Realizing that he was no longer on all fours but face down on the grass, his mind scrambled to recall details. How had he arrived here? What was happening?

Then his watcher instincts took over and he looked about him for Faith. Where was the Slayer? Relief settled over him as he saw her battling a group of … ‘what the devil? Men?’ He shook his head again and focused. Well, they definitely looked like men although dressed in what appeared to be black combat uniforms. He felt his vision getting fuzzy and concentrating very hard, he focused on the scene blurring before him, but his eyelids seemed so very heavy. He was so tired. How? When had he become so fatigued? No, he was … where did they … ground so cold … Faith, must help Faith … So tired … Druggg…

Faith hadn’t sensed them. She’d caught a movement, a noise just before they appeared. Then the dart had hit Giles in the back and he’d dropped to the floor like a rock. They were human. She was pretty damn sure of that; trained, fit and deliberate, but human. The second dart had only just missed her.

Instinct took over and she moved to protect Giles. Not sure what these men were after but positive that she wasn’t going to let them do anything more to hurt the man now lying unconscious behind her, she watched two of them exchange a brief glance before charging her, keeping some two or three feet between them. They obviously intended to reach her at the same time hoping to force her to take them on individually. Faith smiled “Gee, this is gonna be fun.”

Waiting until the last possible moment to drop, she rolled between them. Quickly regaining her feet, Faith launched herself onto her hands to kick out behind her, planting her feet powerfully into the small of each attacker's back. Their momentum now being used against them, the pair stumbled forward flailing in their vain attempts to keep upright. They traveled some six or seven feet before the pain from her well planted kicks traveled to their legs causing them to fall flat on their faces.

Turning to confront the duo, she felt a giant pair of arms dropping around her from behind. Again Faith dropped, this time into the splits turning her head to look with evil glee at the crotch of her attacker. At first Faith dropped her fist to the floor and looked up thoughtfully. But then the decision made, she ferociously launched her fist upwards towards that ‘oh so tender’ male zone.

A muffled high pitched curse escaped from her would-be attacker as he quickly dropped his arms in a belated attempt to defend himself. Seeing that he was severely distracted, Faith threw her torso away from him to allow her to fiercely bring her legs together, effectively chopping his ankles out from under him and hurling him backwards.

Regaining her feet, she heard a groan. Giles? Faith moved quickly towards the Watcher, all the while alert and preparing for another attack. Glancing down at the fallen man before her, Faith satisfied herself that he was still breathing. “Damn it,” Faith cursed as she attempted to figure out why every Watcher she really liked and trusted had to get hurt on her shift? Recalling how her first watcher had died, anger rose within her but she quickly took a moment to swallow the growing blind fury that would come if she allowed this rage to take her over. Turning her back to Giles, she prepared to confront their attackers … “Hey?” she yelled in surprise as she realized they were not where she had expected them to be.

A movement caught her eye. Some twenty feet away four men were helping their three injured associates towards a black transit van. Her instinct was to follow them but the sound of another groan from behind her caused her to pause and reconsider her options. ‘Giles needs help – now.’

She watched the men load themselves into the van with several backwards glances. “Yeah, I’m letting you go … for now … and you know it.” Faith watched only briefly as the sliding door closed on the huddled group, and the van sped away.

Dropping to the side of her second Watcher, she glared accusingly at the dart that still protruded from between Giles’ shoulder blades. “Hey Giles, don’t you know it’s rude to fall asleep on a date?” Faith gibed as she removed the dart and rolled him over.

Giles forced his way through the fog, willing his eyes open. There was something that he needed to know.

Faith saw his eyelids flutter. He was still fighting the drug. Then briefly his eyes opened and he fixed his gaze on her. “Are you oka…” he mumbled.

Stunned, she nodded.

Giles smiled briefly before falling unconscious again.

A feeling rose within the ex-slayer, so unfamiliar and yet so welcome. She took a deep breath, blinking away a little moisture from her eyes in disbelief. “Damn it! I will not … cry. Christ, what the hell am I turning into?” Faith berated herself, shaking her head vigorously. “Get over it, girl.”

Looking at the fallen Watcher, she reached down and gently lifted him up and over her shoulder. “I got your back, Watcher,” she commented as she slowly headed across the cemetery towards the Magic Box.

* * * *

Opening her e-mails, Willow sighed – Nothing. She’d been hoping that Kira would have left her a message, if only to fire a thousand questions at her about the last night. Her shoulders sagged as she realized she had no one to talk to, no one to confide in or bounce ideas off of.

The one person she would normally run to, was the one person she couldn’t talk to – not about this. Even though she was right there - in the same room, just a few feet away, sitting on the window sill, trying to look like watching the world go by was a full time job.

Normally she would have pulled Buffy; called her on her silence; made her talk it out - But not tonight. Everything that had happened between them sat like a big pink elephant in the middle of the room and neither one of them seemed able to maneuver their way around it. ‘Elephants - why would anyone invent an elephant? Huge ears – never a good look, a hose for a nose and four knees - I mean four!! Makes jumping impossible. Good thing they don’t need to jump’, Willow’s mind rambled as she continued her rant against the inventor of the elephant.

Sitting up at her PC, she opened an Internet connection and, pulling down her favorites, she located the online coven. She mentally crossed her fingers as she entered the coven’s forum. ‘Please let someone be on-line’, she quietly prayed.

The first topic that caught her eye caused her to mentally gulp – “Curse or Blessing?” It seemed that their predicament was a hot topic. ‘Oh Kira, how could you?’ She hesitated for a moment before she decided to click and open the topic.

She began to read with dread and disbelief.

Cassy:

< Believe it or not I was discussing Kira’s idea for breaking the curse in question with my mother. We were talking about the various ways a relationship can begin over dinner tonight. Of course B & W came up. She loves tuning in to their souls - they’re so old.

Anyway, she asked me if there was any one optimum moment that I could pick from the list where I could almost guarantee the coming together of these two souls.

Whether it be a kiss, an intimate moment or just plain rocking each other’s worlds. It took me quite a while to go over all the different choices in my head. To the point that my mother got annoyed and went on to extol the wonderful virtues of massage and oils, and to blast the fact that massage wasn’t on the list!!

So how about you guys, what one moment would you pick? >

Ang:

< I really like this post. You actually discuss this stuff over the dinner table with your mother?? Cause that is really cool!

Anyway, getting back to the topic. My one moment would be “post-list”. Lying quietly in bed together in the after-glow. They are so connected and at that moment I'm sure they really would have shared something that could only serve to bring them closer together. >

Hammy:

< Okay. And what flights of fancy have robbed you both of your reason? I feel duty bound to pull you back to earth, you romantic sodden wenches. You both seem to have overlooked the one really important thing Cassy’s admittedly really cool mother said. Or have you both thrown away your reason?

“Massage wasn’t on the list!!”

Which I thought would surely lead even the weakest witted of us to ask – what else is missing? But instead what do I see – romantic avarice run wild. Try to keep it together girls.

So suggestions required. All ideas that you feel were missing from the list will be taken under consideration.

Anything goes. >


“Oh goddess,” Willow exclaimed as she stared wide-eyed at the multitude of suggestions that flowed in response to Hammy’s new question. Until finally Hammy took great pleasure at posting - the ‘New List’. Hearing movement behind her, Willow quickly dragged her cursor over the list, copying it. Closing her forum session, she opened Microsoft word and pasted in the New List. There was just no way in this twisted dimension, she could let Buffy read the coven’s topic postings in full – the ‘New List’ was bad enough.

“Is that what I think it is?” Buffy asked disbelief apparent in her voice.

“Nu – huh,” Willow responded.

“New?”

“Yep,” Willow agreed, hitting <print>.

Confused, Buffy couldn’t keep herself from asking, “Why?”

“Stuff … stuff was … there were ... things … you know… missing … things left out. When Kira wrote…” Willow really didn’t want to be explaining this. She had hoped that this topic was closed, finished, gone, no more. After everything that they had been through, after all that had happened - the pleasure, the pain, the joy, the loss. Now there was going to be more.

“But we followed … we did everything on the … If they missed … if they left things out … then we … ” Buffy struggled to voice her thoughts. “We missed them when we ...”

“I’m right there with you. It seems we didn’t do it … right … o-o-or completely,” Willow stated unable to turn her head and look at Buffy. She had never really wanted to fall down a deep, dark hole quite as much as she did at this moment. Instead she watched the paper slowly emerge from her printer.

“Well, you could have fooled me. I thought we did it mega right,” Buffy commented, a small smile beginning to form before she could stop herself. “I mean … are they sure? I mean, what the hell didn’t we …” Buffy began to feel heat rising in her cheeks. ‘This is ridiculous. Of course we did it right. If that wasn’t right … if we didn’t … My god, what else is there?’ she unconsciously licked her lips as she recalled the many new, wonderful and intoxicating experiences Willow had blessed her with last night - her mind almost imploding at the thought that there was more.

Willow reached down and pulled the still warm hard copy from the printer tray. Lifting her arm without turning, she raised it within reach of Buffy. “Here.”

Buffy took the sheet of paper as she stared at Willow’s beautiful profile. Then she shook her head and looked at the piece of paper. Realizing what she was looking at, she raised the sheet and began to read. Running her eyes down the list, she mentally ticked off the items they had … experienced until she was about half way down.

If Willow had been watching her, she would have seen a smile cross Buffy’s face as she continued to read the list. However, the last two items quickly removed her smile, as her jaw dropped and her slight blush blossomed into a flaming red mask. Buffy, let her hand drop as she felt the heat beginning to rise within her, mainly because of the images now crowding into her mind but also because of the conversation she knew could no longer be avoided.

“You see they … missed stuff …” Willow reiterated.

“Kinda!” Buffy exclaimed acknowledging the truth of that statement while fighting to regain her self-control. Her mind seemed to be spinning off … ‘What did this mean? Would they have to … would she get to hold and kiss … would they … could they?’

Willow finally shifted in her seat and raised her face to look at Buffy. What she saw wasn’t really unexpected. ‘She embarrassed. Goodness, I can’t think why … oh yeah – the New List. Was she trying to figure out what it meant? Was she going to say it or would she … oh no. She’s going to make me say it.’

“We did it wrong,” Buffy whispered. “Anya is so gonna love that,” she commented, despair covering her still red features.

Willow suddenly felt nervous. ‘Why did she say that? Anya said this was my area of expertise … Oh no, she thinks it’s my fault … that I did it … No! She couldn’t think that I … I would never … not on purpose. She has to know I would never …’

Buffy looked down at Willow and seeing the wrinkled brow and concerned look, she thought ‘Oh great she’s freaked. The idea of doing it … of making … it freaks her out. Was I really that bad? Was it really so hard for her to … ’ Such pain filled her chest, her heart.

Willow saw the switch from amused embarrassment to fear and shrank back. “Buffy, I know you think it’s my fault ...”

Buffy shook her head, not quite sure what Willow had just said. “What?”

Taking a deep breath Willow prepared herself but a resounding ping from her PC made her turn her head. <You’ve got Mail> the disembodied voice advised her. Before her flashed her new mail notifier identifying the source of the email: <Kira>

* * * *

Faith lowered Giles gently to the pavement, resting his head against the door jam of the Magic Box. She looked around nervously as she searched his pockets. ‘Great, I look like I’m mugging him.’ Finding his keys, she unlocked the shop door and quickly moved him inside. Faith was overwhelmed with the feeling that she was invading some inner sanctum. The Magic shop was, after all, the center of the Scooby gang’s universe.

Resting Giles on a pile of Moroccan cushions, she returned to lock the shop door. Having secured their hiding place, she finally relaxed and took a good look at Scooby central. It was larger than she had realized. Much larger. “Some square footage you have here, Watcher,” she commented, noting the split level and roomy feel of the shop. Moving forward she searched for somewhere safer to leave Giles. She really didn’t want to meet up with any of the Scoobies right now, which was why she had chosen to leave Giles in the shop. The fact that they would never believe that she’d had nothing to do with the Watcher’s present condition made that decision easy.

As she searched she made mental notes and dismissed the basement and the counter area behind the cash register. Then she came across the training room. Faith looked around the room with both envy and respect. The Watcher and his charge obviously took their calling as seriously as ever. She’d have loved to have a place like th – ‘Who am I kidding? I’d take a lease on this right now. Wonder why Angel hasn’t ever invested in a real training room like this? Isn’t LA supposed to be “gym” and “workout” central?’

Moving to the door at the rear she checked the bolt locks and, giving the door a good kick, she satisfied herself that it was secure. Spotting the training mats and the high frosted windows, she decided that this was probably the safest area in the shop.

* * * *

<Hello my dear,
I hate to be the bringer of bad news but it appears that the list I initially gave you was incomplete. I really should have referred to the coven before sending it to you. I’m ever so sorry and I hope I’m not too late. I’ve attached the amended list.
Discussion has been had and it has been generally agreed that even if you have already undertaken the larger portion of the list, the remaining items may be enacted within the same lunar cycle to the same effect.
I really am very sorry my dear, I assure you. I know some of the newer items may appear somewhat extreme but it is the knowledge of the whole, the joining of the two into the one whole that should create the link needed.
If you have any questions, because I most definitely did, let me know. I have no idea of your knowledge or experience in this arena but it seems my own was more conventional than I had imagined.
Regards
Kira>

Willow stared at the screen both relieved and embarrassed. Many of the new items were well out of her realm of knowledge, let alone experience. And if, as it seemed they were out of Kira’s, what help did she hope to be?

Buffy stared at Willow as the witch seemed engrossed in her PC. She’d read Kira’s email over Willow’s shoulder and suddenly realized that the New List she had just read hadn’t come from Kira. Where had Willow got it from? She wanted to ask but Willow didn’t really appear to feel all open and ready for a Q and A session.

Anyway she wasn’t in any condition to ask questions since she felt like she was actually buzzing at the thought of another hot and steamy night with her beloved. But it didn’t seem as though Willow felt the same way if their argument in the training room, which had led to her own sudden exit, was any indication. She had hoped that Willow would have had time, by now, to realize how much her words had hurt her; had time to realize that Buffy hadn’t wanted rejection; had time to realize that what she had wanted was for Tara’s words to be true. But Willow hadn’t spoken more than dozen words to her, let alone looked her in the eye since she’d finally come home.

‘Am I pushing? Did I make it too obvious? Am I freaking her out? Is that why she’s hardly looking at me?’ Buffy wondered, remembering Faith’s smug face as the other slayer had tried to bait her. It was as if she had known that Buffy was screwing up. She’d never felt so lost, so unable to see what had to be done. ‘What should I do? What would be best? For Willow? For me? For us?’ She just couldn’t seem to get out of this awkward and uncomfortable corner she had boxed herself into. And she couldn’t go to the one person she always knew that she could go to when she felt at a loss.

She wanted Willow. Her very being ached to cross the distance between them and take what she wanted; what she needed. But as she had begun to realize that Willow was pulling away from her, and that she didn’t know why, all her usual self-confidence seemed to leave her. Buffy’s innate knowledge that she, herself, was easy on the eyes; her belief in her ability to attract others to her faded away before the intensity of her need and just how vulnerable that made her feel.

Okay. She hadn’t always chosen wisely but, as a rule, anyone Buffy had set her ex-cheerleader, ex-prom queen sights on, she had gotten. What was she doing wrong? All she seemed able to get from Willow was dutiful friendship and support when she wanted so much more. It seemed that the one person that she thought she knew best and wanted so much was the one person she now couldn’t figure out how to reach.

* * * *

Xander placed the last spoonful of Ben & Jerry’s into his mouth and sighed as the cold ice-cream melted, assaulting his taste buds with Phish Food heaven. Life was good.

“You’ve got it all over your face,” Anya pointed out from her prone position.

“If you don’t get some on your face you’re not really enjoying it,” Xander explained, licking his tongue as far around his lips as he could. Inexplicably his mind skipped and the image of Willow between Buffy’s … ‘Where the hell did that co … OH!’ Shaking his head he tried to get rid of the image. But instead a large dollop of Phish Food suddenly plopped between them … ‘OH! Bad. Bad.’

“Xander?” Anya scolded with the almost certainty of a girlfriend who knew her man too well.

“Wha … Oh yeah. Sorry,” Xander said, shaking his head again as he removed the dessert spoon and can of whipped cream from the bed, and tried to rid himself of the erotic pictures in his mind.

“Good. Because I have an itch,” Anya informed him.

Xander raised his eyebrow in rakish hope. ‘It’s not like Anya to use an innuendo? She usually comes just right out with … but hey,’ he thought turning expectantly towards her. Immediately he saw his mistake. Anya’s face was not that of a woman in need of sex; it was the look of a woman with a very distracting and annoying itch. Dropping his silly grin, he patiently took instruction as Anya led his fingers to the cause of her itchy distraction. Finally he was rewarded with a contented sigh. Dismissing him, Anya repositioned herself to sleep and Xander turned to set his alarm.

“You’re working tomorrow?” Anya questioned. “But I’m not well. I’ve been wounded.”

“Yes honey, I know. But that’s where the money comes from. The money that pays the rent, buys the food and all the pretty things,” Xander pointed out.

“Good. I will need many nice things to distract me from the pain … and the itch,” Anya stated. Then something else seemed to occur to her. “But if the world is going to end - why bother?”

“Thank you, harbinger of doom. Please deposit your perishable items in the green box at the door. The world is not going to end, Anya. Buffy will stop it. She always does. Remember? We save the world. Then we get to party. But we can’t tell anyone that we’ve saved the world – again,” Xander reminds her.

“You don’t save the world. We don’t save the world. Buffy does that. We just stand on the side lines, occasionally getting injured or amusingly taken over by some evil being,” Anya reminded him. “We’re like the guys in the red suits.”

Xander’s brow furrowed; his face a picture of confusion. Too slow to stop himself, he responded to her statement with a “Huh?”

“You know, the guys in the red suits who never survive an away mission, or who get changed into aliens or rocks or small furry annoying bunny-like creatures. We’re like them … only we don’t die,” Anya explained. But upon glancing at the still confused look on Xander’s face, she continued “Instead we – the sidekicks - get injured, insulted, forced to have virginal sex with insect women, get attacked by troll ex-boyfriends, get taken over by Hyenas. We never get to save the world. See it’s like the guys in the red suits … everyone knows we’re going to get hurt and need saving. We need to be like the girls in the short skirts. They get to moon over the captain and hold clip boards.”

Xander’s eyes opened wide as he realized that she’s going on about “Star Trek! Red shirts!” he exclaimed. ‘Geez, how did I not get that?’ he wondered. Smirking he gave thanks to the Powers That Be for a woman who made Star Trek references. Now if only he could get her into Babylon Five. Grabbing the bull by the horns, he smiled before responding “Okay, so we always survive? Then by your argument we always return for more – hence the world can not end because if the world ends we die and since we don’t die and we always come back for more – the world will not end,” Xander pointed out, satisfied that his logic was flawless.

Anya glared at him and he could almost see her searching for a hole in his logic. Then it occurred to him that although there might not be a hole in his logic at the moment, their vulnerability and mortality – including Buffy’s – might be not always assure their survival.

* * * *

Willow wanted to be sucked into her PC, to vanish into the world of chips, megabytes and logic. Then she could allow programming to replace the fear she could feel rising within her. She wanted pure logic right now, to control her emotions and prevent her from making any foolish decisions or voicing the cause of her heartache and true feelings. She didn’t think she could do it again. It would be like … torture. Slowly the images she had stored of Buffy from last night filled her head. She gulped as the desire began to rise within her - the feel of her, the taste, the way she moved, ‘Oh goddess!’ She felt the hunger fill her, the heat begin to rise, the fear, the longing … Bad, bad.

“Will, I know this won’t be easy … for either of us. But if it works …,” Buffy stated, her voice breaking through the panic that had started to wash over Willow.

Buffy was at her side, reading the PC over her shoulder. She had forgotten that her best friend was standing near her reading the Forum’s list. Concentrating on what Buffy had actually said, she realized that the decision had been taken from her and she was inwardly relieved.

“What else can we do?” Buffy asked. She glanced at the resolve she saw before her and thought ‘Oh goddess, why is she asking me … Get a grip, will you? She’s only suggesting what she hopes will end this,’ she told herself.

Willow involuntarily shook her head, “I don’t know.”

“You know we have to try. Please, Will? Don’t make me …” Buffy paused, her voice a little shaken. ‘Is she going to make me beg?’ Buffy discarded the thought. “I don’t want to force you to … Will, you must realize how hard this is for me. If we don’t try … Life as we know it … pretty much a goner,” Buffy stated. Taking a deep breath, she continued “I’ve gotten used to us … our lives. I’m not really willing to give them up just yet. Let’s face facts, they may be crazy but our lives are never dull.”

Willow couldn’t help smirking at the truth of Buffy’s statement. “I’m just… worried. We’ve … well kinda imploded today, after … You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose … What if it doesn’t work?” Willow stumbled, almost choking as she dropped her head and tried to hold back the tears.

“Hey,” Buffy said, reaching out to lift her chin and looking deep into Willow’s beautiful eyes. Although it was like looking into her own eyes, she felt as if she could see into her best friend’s soul. “Never gonna happen,” she said allowing some of how she felt to show. “I would never let anything break us up. Never!” she stated with such conviction that Willow had no doubt that she meant every word.

* * * *

A sharp shrill ringing broke into Xander’s mind. ‘No – too soon,’ he thought, certain he had only just put his head on the pillow. Reaching out he hit his alarm. But the annoying ringing didn’t stop. ‘Telephone,’ he reasoned.

Forcing himself up, he moved out of the bedroom closing the door behind him. Lifting the receiver, he ran his free hand through his hair in a vain attempt to wake up. “Hello.”

“Hey there, boy toy,” an all too-familiar voice greeted him. “Giles is okay. He’s been drugged. But he’s okay. I’ve left him in the Magic shop and locked it up behind me. He should be safe. I’ve just popped the keys into your mailbox. Someone needs to check on him and get him home.”

Xander tried to take the words in but his mind was simply a jumble of questions. ‘Why the hell is Faith calling me? Where did she get my number? What has she done to Giles?’ However “What?” was all he could manage.

“Okay Dweeb Boy, listen up. Giles has been drugged – he’s unconscious but okay. I’ve locked him in the magic box for his own safety. The keys are in your mailbox. Go check on him and get him home. OK?” Faith asked, the frustrated amusement clear in her tone. She really wasn’t a fan of having to repeat herself.

“How … ?” Xander began to ask when the line went dead. It seemed that telephone etiquette was one of the many things Faith had considered a waste of her time. Now completely awake he stared at the receiver and tried to fully grasp what she had said. ‘Giles! I’ve got to get dressed.’ Replacing the receiver he moved towards the bedroom door. Suddenly stopping he stared at the door. ‘What the hell do I tell Anya?’

* * * *

Somehow starting was harder this time. They had agreed to use darkness again. And hoping to make things easier, Kira had suggested they take advantage of the darkness to undress this time. But scooting under the covers, they had both found that traveling those last two feet was harder to handle and more embarrassing than the lengthy email conversation they had only recently finished with Kira.

Buffy had disappeared to have a shower once most of information had been clarified with Kira. She’d needed to collect herself but all that seemed a waste of time as she now lie not quite sure how to move forward.

‘Oh goddess, I’m here again,’ Willow’s brain screamed as she felt the rush of air when Buffy scooted under the bedcovers and quickly lowered them. The knowledge that Buffy was … well … not dressed and so close … caused a nervous giggle to escape from the Wiccan.

Buffy couldn’t help giggling in relief and mutual agreement at the awkward silliness of this. Why were they both holding back? Why couldn’t they just relax and let go? It wasn’t as if they hadn’t done this before. And then she recalled the new list. ‘Oh yeah!’ Willow had made it very clear she was now out of her depth, out of her “knowledge base”. ‘She’s nervous and upset.’ Buffy realized, allowing her natural instinct to protect her best friend take over, she forced herself to make the first move.

Moving slowly towards Willow, she reminded herself that ‘if this is it … if this is the last time I’ll ever get to be with her … I’m not going to waste so much as a second. I’m going to show her just how she makes me feel … how much she means to me. How can that be bad? Nope, no one could ever take that as a bad. I know I wouldn’t,’ she slowly convinced herself. A newfound confidence filled her. She had a plan. Not her favorite kind of plan because this could very well be a hopeless cause. But they had been through so many other hopeless situations together and had come through them somehow. She had to hope that maybe she could seduce the love of her life. At the very least she had to try. But whatever happened she was going to hold and kiss and taste and caress her Willow and remember every last moment. And hopefully make Willow remember every single moment too.

Hearing a sharp intake of breath from Willow as their skin met, she instinctively reached out to calm her beloved. “Will, it’s just me,” she whispered with a trace of uncertainty and nervousness still evident in her tone, despite having steeled herself to take that first step. Swallowing Buffy took a chance. “It’s just us … and I … I … I know what you said earlier but … I …” She took a deep breath before finally voicing her true feelings. “I really liked the us that I met last night.”

Willow’s mind seemed to explode as she caught the meaning of the words Buffy had stumbled over as her hand had slowly stroked Willow’s shoulder. They sounded like the most beautiful words she had ever heard. ‘Did she just say … Oh! … she did … she wasn’t … faking.’ Her fear melted and she found herself smirking before she realized that Buffy had stopped moving. ‘She’s waiting for me to respond.’ “M … me t … too,” she whispered not trusting herself to say anything more.

“I’m glad,” Buffy sighed. It was going to be okay. ‘I can do this.’ She moved her hand, placing it gently behind Willow and drawing herself closer with each contact sending warmth and heat up and down her entire body … her entire being.

Tentatively, Willow ran her hands down Buffy’s back causing her to arch, pushing her firm breasts forward into Willow’s. ‘Oh … so soft.’ Reaching down, she paused before running her nails over Buffy’s bottom causing their hips to meet. ‘Please let her be mine,’ Willow chanted to herself. She needed to believe; she needed to hope that this was more --- more than just … sex.

Sensing a hesitation as Willow’s hands stilled, Buffy ran hers hand up to the nape of Willow’s neck. Running her fingers up through Willow’s hair she closed her eyes before whispering with all the emotion that she was feeling, “Willow?”

Willow felt her heart stop and then explode in happiness. She had never heard anyone say her name like that. So full of … desire. Willow, in that moment, wished more than anything that she had left the lights on so that she could see; so that she could know if what she had heard in that one word … her own name … was true. She could almost feel Buffy’s breath as she continued to graze her nails over Buffy’s back. Moving slowly forward their noses met … rubbing … Eskimo-style kissing. Oh, so gently.

Willow licked her lips in anticipation of their kiss but Buffy didn’t move forward. It seemed to be her turn again. So searching gently, she moved closer so that she could run the tip of her tongue against Buffy’s soft lower lip. Buffy’s eyes flew open at the touch of Willow’s warm tongue and her attention immediately focused. She needed to kiss Willow. She needed to. Right now!

As their lips met, the events of the day evaporated. This was where Buffy was meant to be … losing herself in the warm welcome of her Willow. How had she ever doubted that this was who she was meant to be with? That this was how she was meant to be. ‘No way am I giving this woman up.’ A guttural sigh left her as she gently pushed Willow onto her back. Ignoring the pain in her knee, Buffy rolled atop the woman she had been in love with for so long, as she made a decision. Willow had led the way last night. ‘Wow, had she ever.’ But tonight, tonight Buffy would take the reins. She had sensed the nervousness in her secret sweetheart and she knew that there was no way that Willow, her sweet gentle Willow, could initiate some of the … items they had to explore. But her mind had exploded at the idea of knowing Willow in ways that no one else had ever known her. She would be the first. She would take what Willow had taught her. She would bewitch her beautiful witch and take her Willow to places she had only imagined.

“Tonight you’re mine,” she stated, her voice low … almost a growl.

Willow shook her head in disbelief. Her mouth agape, she stared above her. Buffy was … ‘She seems to … want … me?’ Buffy took advantage of the moment and stole her way into Willow’s open mouth.

Willow could feel her head spinning as the sweet ecstasy of the moment, the feelings and sensations flooded over her. Buffy had come to her – again. She had been the one to touch first last night as well. Why had she forgotten that? ‘Oh … she feels so good.’ Feeling heat explode between her legs, she broke the kiss to gasp as she felt Buffy’s thigh graze her, sending a shot of excitement to the back of her brain. ‘Oh … too soon … too sensitive.’

Willow tried to steady the pace … to keep control but she was underneath. Somehow Buffy was … she was … in control. How … when had she become so …? The urgency of her kisses … Willow tried to slow the kisses down, to still the sexual heat that was rising … filling her but Buffy wasn’t so easily stopped. She seemed determined to devour Willow, to strip away all sense with those soft, hot lips and that tongue. She needed to slow this down, she tried to roll, but Buffy dropped to her elbows … preventing that and pinning Willow beneath her. ‘What the … what have I created?’ she wondered as again she felt Buffy’s thigh touch her … ‘Oh no! Og … ooohgoddess … so good.’ She had never felt the heat rise between her legs so quickly … so intensely. She had to … breathe.

She tried to keep hold of the thought but Buffy was above her … pressing her hips down, slowly gyrating, pressing against her … invading her mouth, skillfully plunging her tongue back and forth as she slowly moved her shoulders to massage their breasts together, keeping a rhythm that was driving Willow up and down against her. It was all too much … too soon. ‘Where had she learned how to … Oh. Oh! Leg … legs were moving … rubbing.’ Willow could feel the wetness beginning to trickle between her … ‘so good, it feels so good.’

Buffy could feel a hunger rising within her as she moved to the rhythm of her need. She might not have her slayer strength at the moment but she certainly had the slayer lust. She could feel Willow rising to meet her, struggling to hold back. “Oh no you don’t, my red-haired beauty.” She dropped her thigh between her love’s legs. They had been slow and careful last night. Tonight she wanted to have passion, hunger … insatiable thirst and then the quenching of that thirst. Moving her thigh up, she thought she felt … Oh yeah! Her mind exploded in the knowledge that Willow was becoming wet. Wet because of her - for her.

Dragging her mouth from Willow’s, Buffy arched to press her thigh firmly against Willow’s wet centre.

“Ahhhh,” Willow exclaimed as she felt a wonderful ache rise within her.

Buffy moved up and down, her thigh brushing firmly against Willow, slowly covering her thigh with the wetness that was now oozing from between Willow’s legs. The sensation spurred her to pick up the rhythm, pushing, rubbing, faster, harder until … “Oh Yes.” She felt her thigh slide and Willow clench to trap it and stop its upward rise. ‘Yes.’ Breathing deeply, Buffy moved down Willow’s body to get herself between Willow’s legs. She needed to know …

Willow’s head was spinning. She’d never … not so quickly. Trying to collect her thoughts and regain her breath, she realized that Buffy was no longer on top of her. Then she felt … ‘Oh my … If she … Ohh goddess, I’ve died and gone to heaven.’ A thousand dreams had led her here but she’d never dreamed or hoped they would ever come true.

Slowly Buffy took in the sweet scent around her. Hesitantly, she settled herself. She wanted to do this well. She wanted to show Willow what she had learned, what she could offer. Buffy wanted to shatter her hold, just as Willow had done for her the night before. Slowly she brushed her tongue over the wet folds before her. ‘Beautiful. So wet, like silk, so soft, so warm.’ She was glad that they were in the dark, not all thoughts that they were still in each other’s bodies had been dismissed from her mind. But she wanted to see Willow beneath her in her mind’s eye. She ventured into every fold, listening with satisfaction to the change in Willow’s breathing, the rise and fall of her hips, the thrusting of her hips, the noises she was making. She drank, attempting to quench the fire rising within her.

Willow threw her hands down to hold Buffy’s head, unsure what she wanted - to pull her away or pull her closer. Sweet madness seemed to have robbed her of the ability to think as a thousand sweet shocks rocked her world. She tried vainly to hold herself back, to save something, but each touch stripped away her resolve until she found herself willingly climbing, rising, arching and aching for release.

“Oh please, I can’t …” Willow wanted to so badly, but …

Buffy opened her mouth, “Mmmm, mmmmm”, taking in the now prominent bud before her, taking and holding it gently between her teeth, she furiously ran her tongue over it.

“Ahhhh … noooooo.” Willow arched and tried to close her legs. But Buffy didn’t stop - instead she moved her hand to run her fingers up and down Willow’s wetness. Then slowly she ran it down between her cheeks, gently working her way towards Willows virgin entrance, causing another sharp attempt to close her legs.

Lifting her mouth, she gently pulled at the now gorged bud.

“OOOOOhhhhhh……” Willow felt herself lose all control as her body seemed to spasm and shudder. Buffy chose that moment to gently push her lubricated finger into Willow’s forbidden entrance - at first only one knuckle deep. “Ooooohhh ahhh.” Willow’s brain broke into a light show she had never imagined possible.

As she felt Willow relax into her orgasm, Buffy moved another knuckle in and then another until her entire finger was inside. Slowly she curled it towards her, dragging it in and out slowly as she dropped her mouth back over Willow’s bud. Buffy ran her tongue over her beloved’s folds savoring each ejaculation as she moved down to run her tongue around the juices now flowing from Willow. Then she plunged her tongue in lapping, drinking, and swallowing the sweet essence that was the core of her beloved.

Willow’s world had become a feast of pleasure - sensual and mind blowing passion, her logic nonexistent, her control shattered. All she could see were the waves of pleasure as they swept over her. Buffy was opening her up, laying her wide, removing all that she could hide behind … seeing her, loving her. Fear should have been her first reaction but it was lost, drowned under the need, the hunger that Buffy had shown her.

Passion threw forward arms, thighs, lips, tongues. Willow a willing and complaint guest as Buffy led her into new erotic worlds and sinfully blissful feelings, teasing feeding and expanding her desire in ways she had never thought possible. Willow became wanton, greedy and verbally demanding, leaving Buffy in no doubt that tonight she was not alone in her insatiable need.

* * * *

Having retrieved the magic shop key from his mail box, Xander had left his ‘too wounded to move’ and ‘is this another custom you’re going to need to explain to me? Ex-girlfriends can ring you at unearthly hours, drop curses into the middle of our lives and you go running?’ Anya to her own devices.

Driving to the magic shop (let’s face it walking at this time of night was like turning yourself into a traveling buffet for any Vamp on the prowl), Xander thought about Anya’s comments; it was like all his chickens - good and bad were coming home to roost! Cordelia, Faith, Willow & Buffy and memories of the disastrous love spell he had forced Amy to cast washed over him, sending a cold chill down his spine.

Slamming the car door and locking it, he moved quickly to the shop door - opening, closing and locking it with more concentration than usual. After a brief pause to satisfy himself that he was safe, he wandered through the shop fully prepared to see an unconscious and possibly injured Giles leaning against a wall but upon opening the training room door, he stopped in his tracks. He stood and stared in disbelief at the scene before him.

Giles was comfortably curled up on one of the training mats, his head on what looked like one of the Moroccan cushions that Anya kept wanting to bring home. The older man appeared to be covered with an old dust sheet and the wizard’s cape he had used during the Magic shop’s grand opening sale! He looked like a cast-off from some Merlin ‘B’-movie with his hair tussled, in sleepy repose, beneath his wizard garb.

Xander spotted that Giles’ glasses had been neatly placed inside one of his shoes, which were tidily positioned on the floor beside him, along with a glass of water. “Well I’ll be. Looks like Faith had a ‘Florence Nightingale nurse’ moment.” Quickly he stored the image of Faith in a skimpy nurse’s uniform for later use.

A smirk crossed Xander’s face as he heard the faint snoring coming from the unconscious Watcher. He was tempted to go and find the big Wizard’s pointy hat that he had seen Giles wear that first day at the Magic Shop, and then find a camera to save the scene for posterity. But damn it he was getting too old for that.


But he suddenly realized that after receiving Faith’s call, he hadn’t really expected to find Giles harmed at all. Strangely he had trusted that if Faith said the Watcher was okay, then he was. This puzzled him. He had never been really big with the trust and Faith … well hey, not even small on the trust when it came to the dark-haired Slayer. Not the Faith he used to know anyway.

Kneeling down next to Giles, Xander attempted to wake him. “Giles, Hey G-man?” He called poking at the Watcher’s shoulder. A muffled moan was all the response he got. “Giles! C’mon. Buffy’s waiting,” he tried. Nothing.

Standing up he looked around and seeing the glass of water, a thought took shape and a smirk appear on his face. “You’re really not gonna like this much G-man. But there’s no way I can carry you home.” Reaching down he lifted the glass while at the same time noticing that protruding from the other shoe was a dart! Ignoring this, Xander dipped his fingers into the water and flicked droplets at Giles, causing a slight reaction. But still no eye movement. “Aww hell.” He placed the glass above Giles’ head and tipped it.

* * * *

Willow lay in total wonder over what had happened. She couldn't believe Buffy had spread her sooo … made her sooo wet. The new list had been a revelation but what had shocked her to the core was that she had reveled in it, allowing Buffy to take her … in oh so many ways -- and so completely. Yet she didn’t feel dirty or evil or bad. She felt alive, more alive than she had in a very long time.

She had always trusted Buffy but this had been different. It had been as if her very soul had been in the Slayer’s hands. It was as if there was nothing about her that Buffy didn't know, hadn’t touched or caressed. The things she had yelled, the way she had begged!! She hadn't known she could be so wanton, so demanding, so vocal.

She could almost still feel Buffy inside her, filling her, feeding her need. But in reality Buffy was beside her, letting out short breaths and still holding her as if she was stopping one of them from floating away.

Willow’s head was so light, her mind so open and yet so filled. Feelings bursting from her heart, leaking, exploding. She was so filled with emotions, pushing so hard against her skin. She needed to release. She needed to sing, scream; to somehow let it out. Slowly she felt tears of bliss, of joy beginning to escape. 'Oh my.' She couldn't hold them back. Instead a whimper escaped, then a stifled sob as the longing and release came together.

Buffy heard Willow’s quiet sobs. She was crying? Tightening her hold, remorse filled the Slayer with dread. Had she gone too far? Had she hurt her Willow? She felt shame and guilt wash over her. She was terrified that she had been so caught up in exploring the new and wonderful pleasures that had she missed something. She'd thought ‘Oh goddess’. "Will, what’s wrong?" Pain shot through her heart at the sound of another muffled sob. "Did I hurt you? Oh Will, I'm so sorry. Oh Baby, I wouldn’t hurt you for the world."

"No ... <SOB> you didn't, <sniff> I'm just … " Willow couldn't find the words.

"Will?" Buffy prompted; still not sure she could believe her.

"It was … I've never … <SOB> felt so open, so <SOB> … no one. I didn't think I could stop …” she said, recalling how often she had come, how wet, the way she had flooded. Her voice was unable to keep up with her thoughts and emotions.

"It's okay. I'm here," Buffy assured her, hugging her tightly, realizing and relieved that she hadn't hurt her beloved. Willow was in shock but it was a good shock. It was fed by the wonder of what they had done. "It was new for me too but baby … it was amazing, wonderful. You were fantastic. And you are so beautiful."

Willow smiled and closed her eyes forcing herself to enjoy the compliments. Her instinct was to turn away, not sure how to respond. How could she say …? She so wanted to tell her … to let her know. "I ... you were incredible. It was <SOB> unforgettable … I will never … <SOB> oh Buffy …" Suddenly she collapsed into full blown tears and racking sobs as she realized that this wouldn't happen again … unless she … the fear returned.

"Will, I know. I will … it was so special. The way you let me … I could stay like this forever. I wish the world would just stop," Buffy said, her heart reaching out to the love of her life. Tightening her embrace she gently brushed her lips against Willow’s shoulder.

"M…m…me too," Willow responded as she treasured Buffy's words and the tingles from her light kiss. 'Oh please mean that … I so want it to be true.' If only she could know … if only she could be sure.

If you have enjoyed Alicorn's "Switcheroony - Part Four", then please be certain to  Contact The Writer  and thank her for posting this Story.

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